Thursday, 30 December 2010

Happy Positive New Year!

After a rich Christmas with Family and food up North of England amongst the snowy dunes, I now hang in Germany out in the country two hours outside Berlin.

I am surrounded by meters of snow, fluffy cats, wild horses and a log fire heating up this rustic house I've kindly been invited to. These next few days will consist of seeing the snow buried sites and getting geared up for our Berlin adventure. My band has been fortunate enough to book six gigs in the time we're here in Germany and it's come to the point where we will be probably gigging and rehearsing more than we might be able to record... So we must make sure we plan every step, not to mention some friendly visitors we will also be receiving...

I read something quite interesting today in one of my astrology texts I get from time to time via email. My virtual psychic said that most people say "I'll be happy when..." And you know what? I do that sometimes, I sometimes tell myself, "Oh I will be happy when I'm rich and famous and my bands touring the world making millions and I get my dream studio set up for our record label and we're helping other indie artists realize their dreams and when I've a family of my own..."

Thing is, these are all things that I want and that I'm working towards, but the happiness shouldn't be dependent on if these goals are achieved or not. Happiness should be achieved in the present in order to fuel your mind with energy to make these dreams come true. We shouldn't be hanging onto the past or the future, because both are none existent, they're made of air. But what isn't made of air, is the present.

At least in the present we can be sure that we have happy memories and a great future ahead.

Feeling positive in the present actually helps you achieve your goals. The positive mind is incredibly powerful. It helps set your mind straight, helps you to be able to reach those visions.

The way to remain positive and try and decrease negative thoughts is by understanding and embracing your positive emotions. The more you hang on to the positive and feel its sensation, the more your mind will stay attracted to it, addicted. And when a negative thought comes into play, learn to cast it off, tell your mind that you don't want to feel it, that you only want to feel the good things.

Someone grilled me about my band and the record label the other day and asked me if I ever worry that in the music business only a small percentage ever "make it". I told this person two VERY important things;

Number One: if I worried about people not "making it" in this industry, I wouldn't get anywhere in life and Number Two: define what "making it" even means, because as far as I'm concerned, I feel like I'm "making it" every single day!

Berlin didn't just happen, we started with an idea and we practically thought it through how we could turn it into a reality. Do you think we ever once thought "oh maybe this might be a mistake blabla"? Of course not. Life is about taking it by the horns. It will beat you down, but you don't have to let it crush you. Just get up again and be tougher. And if you can, along the way, be positive. Even those shitty gigs we experienced through and through in London, are positive, because it helped make us better, it helped teach us who to work with and who to stay away from.

So yea, I say don't think TOO much about something, just think about it enough to help you get the best out of something.

To positive minds out there, Happy New Year!

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

DIY band?

I wrote 1,000 words for ABOF (A Badge of Friendship) on what my band (The Unkindness of Ravens) and record label (Sonic Fire Records) does in order to be successful! So for all you DIY bands/artists, check out this motivational piece!


Once upon a time, I used to think that love was like a fairy tale. That one day, my prince would whisk me away, marry me and we'd live happily ever after. Beautiful idea, but kind of misleading. Somehow though, I always held onto a little grain that belonged to that fantasy, because somehow, deep down, I thought it could still happen.

With every man I've been with, I truly believed he was my prince, my soul mate, the one to be with for the rest of my life. And our stories together would bloom, blossom and then eventually crumble. I never gave up on love, because I'm stubborn and I don't fear pain that comes with a break-up, if anything, I fear disappointment more. And sometimes I felt more like a fool than someone coming away with another broken heart.

When you feel love, take it by the horns. We only get this one life (as far as we know) and we might as well be the kid in a candy shop. Splurge.

And there's something else. I was a fool back then. Many times. But I'm still a fool now. The difference is, I just choose to be with someone who is equally a fool like me. And maybe being a fool isn't so bad after all. Because you and I, are two beautiful fools in love.

I love you.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

The Evolutionary Sound

These last few weeks have been all about organizing my trip to Berlin with my band and researching possible intern positions for artist management in the new year. The only real creative achievement I've managed in the last two weeks, was some screen writing for a short film we want to shoot in Berlin and drawing a controversial comic... It's not a lot, but thank god blogs seem to somewhat feed my creative soul, at least temporarily.

I just came away writing 1,000 words for someone who wanted to know my process on being an artist whilst simultaneously learning the trade of the business side within the music industry. It was a good task to do actually, because it reminded me of all the things I've achieved in these last two years. It's been quite the ride actually. These last two years. And there's this warm balloon filling my gut, I think, this is what I would call, pride.

At times I find we're all like machines; we work and work and forget that the days have even passed. Where has the time gone? What! It's already coming up to Christmas? Thoughts like that make me wonder if I've been living every moment to the full extent I wanted to. I know I'm happy, I feel incredibly happy, but why are the days disappearing so quickly? Yes, the winter steals away a lot of the daytime, and already at five in the evening I'm hungry for dinner, fooled to think it's eight o'clock. Thank god I don't own an iPhone (yet) because most of the people I know who have them, are slaves to this pocket machine. And with all of this information zipping about like hungry flies, our minds must be over-worked and exhausted.

This is why it's good for me to take an hour or so, best times are during traveling with the lulling of a bus, to recount all the successes I've achieved. Our minds work better on positive thoughts, so we might as well stop beating ourselves up for little things. It's ok to look at your work and figure out ways on how to improve it, but in the end, the fact that you did good work is already a success.

I've known too many people in my time who were afraid to live their lives. They'd spend a lot of their time coming up with great ideas, but already in their minds they'd execute them, which usually didn't leave them much room to actually go out there and do it. It always surprised me when listening to these people talk (and they would talk a lot), that when I asked them how they were going to achieve their ideas, they couldn't really give a coherent answer. That's probably because they either enjoyed the idea more than the reality or they weren't thinking practically enough on how to reach their goal. You see, it's one thing to have a dream, it's another trying to achieve it and with that comes practical solutions to overcome obstacles. In the end I began to lose faith in those who talked more than walked their talk and I couldn't trust them.

After many experiences with these negative people, I knew I had to change my pattern and move onto things that were healthier for me. I was tired of getting drained and I needed to find more people like me. You see, if you're surrounding yourself with the right kind of energy, this vibrant energy has the potential to help you stay positive and get you those things you want and you would get them, the right way.

Shut your eyes. Think of nothing else, but the black behind your eyelids. Take a deep breath, feel your stomach fill with warm air, focus on the skin around your stomach stretch as you balloon your tummy with good air. Exhale slowly. Think back to the last time something really good happened to you. Remember the feeling, that happy feeling that tickles your heart, makes you smile. Remember the smells from that happy day, what the time was, the temperature of the air, the sounds this magical moment created...

By focusing on those pleasant things, you're already reducing your stress levels and you're releasing serotonin, which is the 'happy' hormone.

By having this positive feeling, you can now focus on your work, you can once again remind yourself of your mission in life and free yourself from any unnecessary negative thoughts.

It's true when they say if you put your mind to it, you can do anything. You just have to want it for the right reasons.

"My life is an experiment... I might as well take my chances..."
- B. Raine

Monday, 13 December 2010


Check out our video 'I Used to be so Pretty' up on NYLON blog site. Please leave a comment!

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Gimme a Boost

Sometimes we all need a boost. Something to take us out of our little rut. It's normal to feel the lack of energy at times, the scales heavier on one side, making you feel lopsided until you're nothing more than Quasimodo, hunched over, not wanting to look the world in the eye.

It's maybe in those times of lopsidedness, that we might have to re-think a few things a little. Take a day out, have a cup of tea, write down your aims and objectives and if you got a special someone, take out the evening as well and turn it into a romantic one.

If there's one thing that's strongly a part of me, it's my past. I allow it to be there, almost everyday, like a friend sitting next to me for a cup of tea. My past is almost more present than my actual present at times, and although I'm blessed with great memories, I'm also plagued with some tough ones.

It's always best to recognize that these past bruises were really the ones that shaped you to who you are today. Even if it's painful looking back, it's best to recognize that with those tough times, comes a reward, and that is, you're better off now, so move on!

Courtney Love once said she believes only dumb people are truly happy. Well, we all seek out happiness, but I can see what she means, I generally don't trust people who are easily pleased... For me, life needs to be more than what we're presented with. I've always been the type to question everything... However the one thing I rarely questioned, were people. Which is something I do more often now. Although my past is like a comforting blanket at times when I'm feeling at my most vulnerable, it's also a reminder of who I've become, but it's also a reminder of who I don't ever want to return to.

We all have patterns. Either we're born with them or we develop them learning from our surroundings. Sometimes these patterns aren't always put together well, and we have to change them around a bit. I for one, have recognized certain patterns in my life, to which I now am very aware of and like any bad habit, if a certain pattern crops up, I have to do something opposite so that eventually, it won't return. This is why understanding your past is essential, just don't let it hang there with you at all times, because the present is also about living in the now.

You see, there are different ways of looking at your past, either with regret or with love. I am grateful that I don't regret a thing, but although those bruises from my past shaped me into a better woman, it still can sting a little when looking back and this makes me wonder, have I forgiven myself completely?

The Key is Forgiveness. It's the one thing that really sets the intelligent people apart from those who would rather begin a war. Forgiveness. And the best place to start, is with yourself.

It's not really the persons who hurt me, disappointed me, that I need to forgive, it's myself. I have to forgive myself for ever getting involved with people who weren't right for me. When I become angry with my past, I am actually really angry at myself, for fooling myself into believing something that wasn't really there. This is why I strongly believe, if people would look deep inside themselves, they'd discover that the problems aren't external, they're internal. You can go on blaming the world all you want for your troubles, it's always easier than seeing that the problems are within you.

Sometimes my memories are lovely, it's nicer to think that way. But sometimes there are memories with a post-it note stuck to them, reminding me of who I was and that even though I no longer am that person, I have to forgive the person I was in the past.

If there's a sudden blast from the past (something that's been happening to me lately) look at it as something that's brought you a long way. Remind yourself that you are in a better place because that person you once were was the last version of yourself from that time.

Now it's about the new things you want to achieve.

Without a past, there is no present, and we all know, that the present is a gift and therefore must be treated with love and care.

Thursday, 2 December 2010

My Lady, her Scent

Her perfume bottle felt empty.
She tried to pull out the remaining drops.
Her scent floated away
like a whisper in the wind,
a moment left behind.
And as it
sat in the neck of
her palm,
as the tears bloated
through the portal of the
blue bottle,
onto the slender
nape of her wrist,
he sucked
it up with
the width of his nostrils,
a moment left to his very own,
as the rose petals
filled his heart
and he knew he could never

Wednesday, 1 December 2010


Social networking sites are the new friends. How many minutes, hours in a day do you spend staring into a screen, scrolling through past friends, new friends, maybe friends you would like to be friends with...? Question is, although these sites are great staying in touch with someone a few thousand miles away, how much quality time and effort is really being put into the friendship with the person that is only a town away from you?

I know our generation has been reduced to screens and mobile phones, communication to the outside world seems to be the biggest business alongside porn and food. However, through all of this communication, how much of it is actually quality intentions and how much are we trying to avoid picking up the phone because there's just too much contact?

The days I had my phone turned off and buried in the back of the drawer, were the days I felt free, like a weight had been lifted. It was like I was time-warped back to the 80's when you had to stick to the date you made over the phone and if you were late you missed out! The world was my oyster without a mobile phone and I could flawlessly float through it because no one knew my face from a picture online, no one had my latest status update and no one could get past the voice-mail...

As much as I like the idea of FB, it also has its shallow sides. Lets face it, the 400+ people on my friends page, ain't all friends that I know or shared a past/present with. However, I have an excuse - I have a band and the more people "know" me and see my updates, the more people will at least have glanced at a status update once in a while to see when my next gig is. I guess that's the "networking" part of these social websites... I remember when an ex-friend of mine came storming into my room complaining that her younger sister had more friends than she had - "X is stealing all of my FB friends!" she said... hence the term ex-friend... Can't deal with shallow people like that.

I'm just curios to know how healthy this whole social networking is for people in the future. The amount of ugly comments I have read on youtube sites is beyond believable. The fact that behind the screen, we feel safer to say whatever we think and post it online, especially judgmental adjectives. It's like we've decided to become the brutal judges on X-factor (which I will also change to Fake Factor) and we're writing people off on the internet before we even give them a chance in reality.

I read a while back, that the reason most of the youths today are crude and rude to people in public is because they're losing their senses towards society. This could also be down to poor parenting, but being on the internet all the time is a ticking time bomb to losing touch with reality. The Internet has literally turned into Earth 2, and on Earth 2 you get a second life to be whatever sexy minx or murderous cadaver you want to be. You can also just be yourself...

If I had to choose between a real-life party and a fake-life party...

Monday, 29 November 2010

On the Train Ride Home

The hills, sprinkled with frosty pastures and snowy brushes, zip past the window as I look into the distance. The gentle lulling of the train woos me as I lean over my notebook allowing my hand to feast the empty pages with inspiration.

At first I don't feel the gentle tap on my shoulder. I mistake the tap for the uncomfortable crease my sweater creates underneath my fur jacket. But then it happens again. A gentle nudge that I shrug off. It isn't until a third try, that the tapping turns into a pinch, where I'm torn out of my state of imagination. There is a moment of confusion as I turn my head towards the inquisitor and I blink my eyes into focus.

Seated next to me is a young bobcat, with a crew-cut and a face that looks like it's wincing. I follow his painful gaze where he's pointing at something caught behind the seat.

"My tail madam. You're sitting on my tail..." The bobcat boy says.

"Oh dear!" I say.

I lift myself and the young bobcat hastily gathers up his tail. The boy, with the tail now safely wrapped around his wrist like a coiled snake, looks up at me and grins, his fangs sparkling in the blue evening light.

"I am so terribly sorry." I say once again. The embarrassment fill my cheeks like hot jugs of mulled wine.

"Not a problem. It happens all the time. My father says I'll grow into it soon."

"I'm sure you will." I say and pull out a crinkly bag of sweets, shake the pack to get his attention and offer him some.

Tentatively, with claws poking through the fuzz of his paw, the young bobcat pushes the sweets around, until he decides on a large orange one. He pops the sweet into his mouth, his cheeks puffing out with delight, causing his whiskers to erect.

"Mmmm." The boy says squeezing his eyes shut.

For a moment there is silence and I watch the boy stroke his tail and suck his candy.

I lean in and just above a whisper say, "By the way, this fur jacket isn't real..."

The young bobcat looks at me for a moment, his pink tongue reaches out to lap up the  remains of sticky orange goo from his nose,

" I know," he finally replies with a wink.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Our Land

The Native Americans had the right attitude. When the French and the English settled on American soil, the natives welcomed them, because they believed mother earth was to be shared, not to be claimed.

I was born in Switzerland and I have a Swiss passport. However for as long as I can remember, I never felt I belonged to one particular place. That's probably mainly to do with the fact that I traveled a lot, lived in other countries and was educated in an international school. If you'd put me on the map, my country would be called 'Everyone & Everywhere'.

At first, when I was younger, having a lack of this identity of where my home was, had its moments of confusion and the sense of belonging was unsteady. But as I got older, I embraced the fact that I kind of belonged everywhere. And why not? Why do we feel we need identity? Why do we feel that a passport or even a job title makes us more 'a somebody' than if one is without those things?

In a recent interview for my band, I was asked what I thought was the worlds biggest problem and what I would do to solve it. A tough one to answer, but I had an inkling... The worlds biggest problem is greed and nationalism. I think they actually kind of go hand in hand. But to keep it simple, if we begin to take responsibility for our own actions as well as for one another, become more self aware, have greater understanding of others and stop seeing people for their passports, skin color, religion, I think the world would become a simpler place.

I am Swiss (by passport and no more). I am not a Nazi. I say this because Switzerland passed a law today that is incredibly controversial. This new law risks on losing trade with other countries, it literally can segregate the country's position within the EU's economic trade agreement AND this ugly law breeches the human rights enactment. The worse part? This law was passed because the majority of Switzerland's people wanted it this way, well the 52,9% of them anyway.

I have not been Swiss since I was three years old. I do not believe in belonging to anything else but to the people I love and these people come from all over the world. This does not make me lost. This makes me found. I am strong enough to stand here and be my own country.

I am my country.
I am my culture.
I am my government.
I am my boss.
I am my skin color.
I am my religion.

You cannot label me. You cannot tell me what to do. You cannot take anything away from me that I am not willing to give.

I give love. I give life. I give hope.

I am you and you are me and this is why I will always treat you the way I would want to be treated.

Thursday, 25 November 2010


As an artist, I go through a roller coaster ride of emotions. I'm either really high or really low. Sometimes I find it hard to find middle ground, this is even after all the reasoning I do, you know, telling yourself that you're exaggerating the negatives, that life really is good and so on. Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to suffer a bit, feel the unnecessary pain, give it 48 hours, then move on.

That's how I do it anyway.

Things have been going real well for me lately. With all the chanting I do to my gods and working hard, playing hard and thinking of all the things I want to achieve in my life, things are turning around, quite quickly as well.

My band seems to be getting the recognition it deserves and we're getting some real decent gigs in Germany. We're heading down to Berlin for one month in January to record our Album and I thought, hey, why not book some gigs whilst we're there. And so we did. On top of that, this guy whose been having an eye on us, also offered us some pretty decent gigs, one's even in Munich.

This is what I dream of, that after a while the chasing people that I do comes to an end and in return they start coming after me. I've also been sprucing up my CV this week, sent it off for a couple of intern positions, and barely a day later, I get my first telephone interview.

So what does all this good stuff mean? Is it really my fancy CV, the great band I'm in, the positive attitude that good things suddenly appear? Maybe it's really all about having the right mind set. I know we can't always be positive and think things are dandy and we shouldn't feel we have to be perfect all the time... that maybe it's good to feel like shit from time to time, just to remind yourself that things will only get better from there on out.

I come from a privileged family and with that privilege, besides the perks of support, comes a lot of responsibility and tons of pressure. I never quite felt like my parents were there for me, they were always off doing things for themselves, leaving us kids to figure life out on our own. I ain't feeling sorry for myself, but I gotta say, for them leaving me to figure things out in life, also gave me the benefits to try out everything and anything I've ever wanted. However, although I've had the enjoyment to fulfill my artistic dreams, I can't help thinking that some people in my family might wonder when I will decide to "grow up" that maybe my dreams as an artist are frivolous and are headed towards doom.

What does 'doing well' mean to you?

Success is relative in my opinion and I'm sure most people would say, having lots of money is a sign of success or fame or friends or the perfect marriage… But for me (and this is something that I have to tell myself everyday or else I drown in the pressures put upon me) success is feeling happiness everyday. Success is my spiritual development, the escape I can feel during a live show when everything goes well. Success is finding love and putting my heart and soul into those people and those projects that I truly believe in. Money and fame are the outer shells, the result of a chain reaction that usually begins from within. Of course I want these things, but if I had those things without the internal happiness, fame and fortune would be meaningless.

A good girlfriend of mine said, those musicians who didn't care about having a successful job and used music as an escape, were the ones who lasted. Do you think Kurt Cobain ever had a fall back plan? Those musicians who believed so much in what they did, others around them believed it too, because the music was pure and it reached out and moved people. Art needs to be pure. Art also needs to be daring and provoke reactions. Most artists were ousted because they changed something traditional, but were then thanked for it later. Those artists who achieved such reactions, sacrificed themselves.

My point is this, if you really want to make a difference, it needs to begin first and foremost in yourself before people begin to notice your work. This means freeing yourself from traditions you were brought up with. You have to be ready for the implications your art could have on your life and the remarks others will give you, positive or negative. Being an artist is not comfortable, it's not glamorous. Being an artist is finding the truth, the purity within the truth that can change people's lives, that can also be daring and frightening to most people. When Klimt changed his painting method, his Austrian community ousted him, until of course people began to catch on.

A true artist sacrifices. The meaning of this is in the sentence alone.

I Couldn't Care

I couldn't care,
I couldn't care,
My heart's dead in my sleeve.

I couldn't share,
I couldn't share,
I'm naked to the bone.

It's been a while
It's been a while,
since the last time we held hands.

You were like
You were like,
A termite in my hair.

And now I've grown
And now I've grown,
From a worm into a bird.

I should have known
I should have known,
It's the last time I get fooled.

I could have cared
I could have cared,
But my hearts reserved in my sleeve...

Monday, 22 November 2010


Check out this new music video from The Unkindness of Ravens!

Thank you for watching!

Friday, 19 November 2010

Fear = Adrenaline

There will always be a day or two but no more than three (if you're clever) where a little niggle comes to giggle. The giggle in itself isn't much of a friend because the giggle seems to be a little bit condescending. So there will be a brush or two from the thigh, as I push the little niggly giggly away from me. But usually by this point, the niggly giggly has already latched its fangs into my flesh, sucking at my blood, turning what was ruby red into black tar.

I call this niggly giggly, The Fear.

We all have it from time to time. When life seems rough or you feel lonely or you don't know where you're going... The Fear comes swooping in. At first he seems gentle and kind because there's something rather comforting about him and his elegant grace... But once you give in, your heart speeds up, your blood feels thin and your skin turns pale...

Fear isn't only a vampire that sucks away your energy, Fear changes the way you think and see the world... Sometimes even a sunny day may seem dark with clouds.

How to get rid of The Fear.

Most think Fear is a negative trait. On the contrary! I remind myself that it's a positive feeling to have from time to time. Fear is positive. Fear is survival. Nature would not have given us Fear if it weren't a component that would help us survive through the sticky times.

When my heart speeds up, my tummy turns, my sweat glands burst and my mind races, I know there's something I need to do and FAST. I need to change something FAST, before I become paralyzed.

So the next time you feel The Fear in your life, don't think it's something that's holding your back...

Think of Fear as the Adrenaline that's trying to push you forward.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Alone With You?

I had to ask and see if it's true,
if I could
always be,
alone with you.
Always and forever,
just you and me,
in the morning,
lunch and dinner,
just you and me.
I had to ask,
if this is what you want to.
And with a nod,
a sweet smile
you said yes.
All the time before
you and me,
were on trials
to discover our
own worth and values.
And now,
alone with you
I ask again
to see if it's true,
that forever you and me
always be,
alone with you.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Quality VS Quantity!

Quality VS Quantity! Who wins?
This is something that I am sure concerns most generations as we gradually evolve into the "modern" times of mankind within the music industry. What is quality? Where is the truly "good" stuff? And what is the "good" stuff really?

I am sure what I find legit now regarding music, is something that my grandparents could never understand, however, we are to understand that as times evolve and we evolve with the times, that what we might find "good" now, most "old timers" find crap.

The Unkindness of Ravens had an interview this evening with, a very well respected online music magazine, and after chatting with our interviewer on skype, interesting subjects were raised which got me thinking about a lot of things, one subject in particular was regarding sound quality in MP3's, CD's and Vinyls.

Ben and I come from a background of quite reasonably classical music, that's Beatles, Led Zepplin, Pink Floyd and anything to Vivaldi and Mozart and so on. What influences us and what we find quality now, is most likely lost within the young generation of our time. However, this begs the question, is it really for us, us "old timers", to say what quality is and what isn't? 

Maybe, if you want to remain bitter, I can see an "old timer" rocking in his chair saying things like 'back in the day we believed…' But I see it differently. I know where my influences have come from, I understand how I have evolved and where I have managed to create my identity through my nature and nurturing. But in this time, all I can really do is make sure that, somehow, I can set some kind of example to the younger folk, of where all my 'goodness' has come from. 

Yes, I could worry about the next generation, that they won't know what true quality music is or even where great music originates from… But like I said earlier, my grandparents were probably equally concerned for the generation after them. Fact is, things move forward (or downward or sideways..), either for the right reasons or for the wrong reasons, but surely that's for the individual to decide. If you are self aware enough to know what is out there, what has been out there and its prior influences, surely you're a little bit ahead of most people.

True, we are in a time where information is produced fast, super fast, almost light speed; today's news was yesterdays, the pop band you see on NME today is already a year old blablabla... And where's the end? Supposedly studies have shown that the attention span of the majority of folk in today's time has, indeed, shortened. YIKES.

So what do we do? I doubt any corporation will ever step up to change, after all they're saving enough pennies and want to keep it that way, so really it's down to the individual to make the change; the change within themselves not to be tempted, not to be seduced by whatever is lurking in the shadows that seems sweet.

I ask you - which would you buy? An MP3 Album from iTunes that's 5quid? Or a CD for 10quid? (or best yet a Vinyl version for maybe 15quid)… although an MP3 Album on iTunes is cheaper, the sound quality is seriously so low and compressed that comparing it to older mediums you would be surprised at the sonic difference in quality…

Which would you choose?

I already know what you would say - your heart will say CD or Vinyl, but your wallet will say MP3. 

And you know what? I won't fight against you or your wallet or your principles. But you have to tell yourself this, that time is money but time is also made up of quality time… that is, if you use it wisely...


you care.

Monday, 1 November 2010

My Positive Mind

My mother told me when I was a kid, that when I fall off the horse, I gotta get back on it. I don't mean figurativly, I mean literally. I'd fall of the horse jumping, galloping, bucking... I'd hit my head, scrape my arms or get dragged a few meters by the stirrup... Yea, those experiences would shake me, but once I dusted the sand from my boots, I'd look up at the beast, grab the reins and swing my legs back onto it and try all over again, no matter how much I wanted to vomit with fear.

I think by nature I'm a woman of comfort and wellness and relaxation. And my mother's a hard ass who'd staple a busted lip together before going to the hospital. So I think I was very fortunate to grow up with someone who pushed me to my limits. I think this is why I'm rather bitter sweet. I've got a sweet soul, I love with every ounce of myself at all times, but I had to learn to be a 'hard ass' at times.

One of my ways to maintain stability in my life, is to keep my home clean and my relationship with my loved ones healthy, pure and honest. If this is all in order, I won't be distracted from my ambitions in life. And being an artist, I learned that I needed this stability, or else I'd get distracted and wouldn't get anything done.

I wanted to write today about positive mind sets. Thing is, this is important, to everyone, to have a positive outlook on life and to constantly remind ourselves of our strengths.

There has been some recent hype and success with one of my projects, my band The Unkindness of Ravens. This is good news, but in the past, even good news only lasted for some moments and then it was back to working our butts off. This is ok. This is normal in the entertainment business. My point is, if you're doing this for yourself, you will realize that being an artist is a life long commitment, there is no end. Some people end once they've had their first major role, some end once they've hit their first million... for whatever reason, some artists stop, but I won't, because I know I am a hungry little lady and I don't ever see my appetite dying.

Having a positive mindset by reminding yourself of the good things, helps you stay rooted, keeps you focused and squeezes out adrenaline, which helps to stay motivated and continue to strive for more. Something I see the opposite of this happening is in football - the minute a player is payed a sickeningly large sum of money, he becomes cocky and loses his focus on being a great player and/or ends up injuring himself, turns fat and/or cheats on his wife. As much as I wish money wasn't a motivator, you have to learn to rise above it, that the real success are the learning curves, the gained skills, the wisdom you've nurtured... however I also understand that I need to eat and pay the bills...

I remember when I was maybe 14 or so, I was in the gym throwing hoops (basketball term when shooting balls into the net). It was a bit of a hit and miss, sometimes it went in, sometimes it didn't. I couldn't figure out how to stay consistent. An older kid, who was pretty much the equivilent to a basketball pro back in the day, had been watching me and came up to help me. He said, that I needed to visualize the ball going into the hoop before I threw the ball, then once I had a clear picture in my mind, I could throw it. So I closed my eyes and saw the ball travelling through the air and sinking itself into the net. I opened my eyes, and lunged the ball forward, and SWOOSH, the ball went in. I tried again and again, and didn't miss once... that is until I got so excited, lost my concentration and the ball stopped going in...

This is life. You gotta see what you want clear as day in your mind first before you go charging through life. You got to believe in what you see. Don't wish things for the sake of it, or because everyone else is doing it, your heart will always be honest with you. And once you're on your way, down the path of good things to come, you will have questions from time to time and answers will appear...

And sometimes there will be obstacles in your way that might bring you down, but like my mom said, when you fall off that horse, get back on it!

Because what's the worst that can happen? You'll feel a bit of pain? Yea, ok, but it's a little bit of pain for a moment versus happiness for the rest of your life.

Because I'm telling you - once you're over that needle prick of pain and you're back on that horse, you won't forget the addictive feeling you get in your tummy when you kick that horse to move faster. You'll become addicted to that feeling, like a crush for the very first time, as the sensation of wind blows through your hair and all you can hear are the rhythmic thuds of the horses hoofs beating the earth as it gallops through an endless green field. And as you kick the horse to go faster, the taste of freedom builds inside your mouth, you're hooked because now, you will always want more...

Friday, 29 October 2010

Leave your comments here...

Dear Friends,

It would be most appreciated if you could leave a comment on the Nylon blog website - my band The Unkindness of Ravens have a little feature in it and we need all the support we can get!

Thank you!

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Did you ever think... for a second...

Tell me something. Did you miss me, in that moment when I was away? Did you ever think it could get this far? I didn't, but I played this game of poker, allowing myself to think there was only one way to go about this and then, well, I just did... fell into your arms like it was the only thing that kept me from living. I fell so fucking hard. I couldn't smell myself any further from the flowers that were there to turn my soul into this mess.

So I ask you. Did you miss me when I fell into the fields of flowers, warming our innards as the days passed through our veins like warm milk?

Did you miss our intentions when we said we would sail out into the lands of nothing, falling into another world together when we promised each other kisses?

I can't remember anymore when we said those words. Those words of promise, because I found another, something more than just words, something more with promise and something more than just flowers.

You see, there was a time, a time when we said many things and then as it passed and you moved away I was confronted with what I had in front of me. And you know what? It really wasn't that bad. The curse of believing there was only one way to live this life as it disappeared.

I was a fool once. Thinking that many knew better than me. My weakness, I do admit, but then as I realized my own power, the power to get what ever I wanted, that force of nature that exuded within my veins like teenage testosterone. I couldn't help but follow those, the norm of males, those who wanted to crush my inner soul, those who knew I was something greater than they could ever understand... A fool I was, helpless in thinking that anyone could ever know better than me.

SO I ask, for a final time, did you ever miss, those times, when you knew I was the one who showed the way to a life that promised something better than your little mind could ever comprehend? Because now, as I look at everything I have managed, from little and now to something big, as determination fuels my bones into a greater beast of love and passion, did you ever think, for a moment you could handle something so mighty?

Maybe you did, but maybe you couldn't. And whatever the reason, I still stand like a bull at the edge of a cliff, I know when it is worth to jump.

Monday, 25 October 2010

Drowning Sound

Drowning myself
in sound,
far from what may be.
Further from a distant
drown alone in me.
Here it comes
from the past,
a sharp tool
to cut my loose,
drowned before
reality hits
I try and ignore
before it's missed.
And then the water
comes rushing in to help me
feed the drowning from within.
I can't help
but feel the sword
as it tears in deep
and the
river flows.
So I drown
myself in sound,
to ignore what should be done
to escape the inevitable
to hopefully be free
from it.

Friday, 22 October 2010

The Amish Way

A little while ago I saw a documentary on the Amish in North America. The Amish originated from Switzerland but were cast out of the country and migrated to the Netherlands where the boats for the New World were waiting. And so they settled, in North America, small communities dotted all over the place, living a life completely independent from the rest of the world. Fascinating. The Amish still speak the oldest form of Swiss German and they live solely off of the land they live on.

At some point in their culture, when the Amish hit their teenage years, they are "sent out" into the "real" world to practice what they call 'Rumspringä' in order to learn from the 'real' world and make a choice if they want to stay Amish or join the real world. In this three part documentary we accompany four teenage Amish kids to the UK and watch them learn about other less religious youth groups.

What struck me most, although the Amish are strictly religious, they seemed far from judgmental of the other more 'wilder' kids. How refreshing; a religious group that wasn't imposing their beliefs onto others. Quite on the contrary - what seemed more fascinating was that the 'modern' kids were learning quite a lot from the Amish, realizing that life could be filled with more things than just TV, beauty products, sex and booze.

Despite all the learning that was happening from all - what hit me was how completely independent the Amish were - all of their food is harvested from their fields, they build their own houses and barns, they don't use electricity (oil lanterns instead), for the winter they preserve all of their food in glass jars, they make their own clothes, furniture, there's no waste, no excess in products, just simply what they need. Uncomplicated. And I must say, tempting; to be able to live a life without all outside influences, a life so simple, easy and to the point. And with a life so simple like the Amish, so are their feelings, very rarely do they fight or find disagreement, they seem incredibly Zen at all times, smily and chilled. I guess that would happen to anyone who didn't feel the need to be greedy, because you already have everything you need.

The only down part is their strict religious beliefs - as far as singing goes, this is only done if you're singing for and about God, no paintings, no music, nothing really creative besides embroidery, dresses and quilts... so obviously the Amish way of life wouldn't really be my thing, unless of course they allowed me to sing about anything and whenever as well as write and draw and paint...

However, what got me thinking was the dependency we have on one another in this 'modern' world. Something that seemed to scare the Amish from the real world. This is something that freaks me out sometimes as well. If there ever should be a Third World War, I'd be fucked - I wouldn't know how to grow my own food, sew my own clothes or build my own house. Sure, maybe out of necessity I would learn, and I'd learn fast, but I wouldn't have those skills at first...

Key word is independence. How self sufficient are we really? How much do we rely on other people to get things done in life? Not just in the larger schemes of things, but even in our own little worlds. How much do we depend ourselves onto others to make us happy? To help us find and feel love? To feel wanted? To inspire us? To motivate us?

Out of necessity we should be responsible for our own happiness, our own motivation, our own creative choices. You are in charge of your day, how you feel and what thoughts you keep in your head. You can choose your thoughts like you can choose what you want to wear in the morning.

I truly believe to love someone, try loving yourself first. If you don't know how to love yourself then you don't really know how to love a potential someone special. And I've been there. I've loved someone before myself, and I became addicted in the unhealthy way. I didn't even know if I loved the person for who he was and was more addicted to the love he gave me because I lacked it for myself.

We are responsible for ourselves. If you want something, you go get it. Don't wait. It won't come.

Key word is independence. Maybe not quite the Amish way, I like my music, sex and booze far too much, but maybe I'll consider the Amish-way-of-independence...

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

And They Will Fall...

"...And they will fall into the depths of forgetfulness..."

I had a ghost whisper into my ear this morning. I tried to listen. I believe she wasn't alone. Two girls. Sometimes giggling, yet very content in sharing something of importance. Both sounded very young. But they promised me something. And that was that the children of yesterday will fall into the depths of forgetfulness, but that I needn't worry. I wasn't them. They promised me that much.

So I researched their words. And I discovered that there are two kinds of worlds split by two kinds of children; those children from yesterday and those of tomorrow. Those of yesterday follow the steps of history, where time and growth stands still, never moving, and who are a slave to what is already laid out for them.

Children of tomorrow are filled with life other than what they see. They create new versions of life, something that will fulfill them, something where their roots will grow deep into the ground. And although the children of tomorrow are a minority, all the more special they are, and will be remembered for it.

Which child are you?

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Music to My Ears!

Yesterday my band,, and I had a fantastic photo shoot with and it was truly an awesome experience. The photos are incredibly beautiful and moody and atmospheric and I can confidently say this woman's a genius. Kelly has the eye of an eagle, she knows exactly what she wants, and it shows. She also manages to create a wonderful working atmosphere, which is important when working with new photographers. After all, Ben and I ain't models and we need some direction from time to time.

Yesterday was like a dream and when Ben and I returned to his studio feeling beat but successful, we felt our dream slowly coming to an end as we continued to print out promos of our EP 'I Used to be so Pretty'. If only a dream like that could last forever. I guess in the end, that's what we're trying to do, make our dreams come true, so that with every day, I wake up, realizing I am living the dream I've always wanted.

After all, I am making my dream happen, with every passing second. I work hard and I plan hard and it's down to disciplin and patience.

I believe anyone who at least attempts at making their dreams come true, is a winner already. There are too many excuses being made on not to do something, and my answer to that is, why not do it?!

Not every day is easy when following your dream, not every day is easy in believing your dream will come true, that's understandable, half of the world only dream when they're asleep, they've given up long ago, they think dreams are for children only. But we were all children once and being children, we were pure in our desires, they were unpolluted with adult thoughts. A child's voice will forever be louder and more important than an adults. There is nothing childish in dreams and following them, but since there's only a few of us 'dream followers', the roads are rockier, less stable and sometimes frightening.

How to get over it? Remember why you're doing this. Remember how it makes your heart feel, how your skin glows with the thought of doing this, remind yourself that life practically has little meaning without this dream, that you consequently have no choice but to follow it.

With a dream also comes reality and reason. It might be possible to achieve your dreams with little conscious of the world, but I think it's unhealthy to be totally ignorant, after all there are resources around us that we need to use in order to get where we want to be. I've learned to be immensely practical in achieving my goals, and it's made me a better artist for it.

To have a dream makes you human. You want to achieve your dream? That makes you superhuman. Have a dream, have a vision, set your goals and work towards it, step by step using discipline, practical skills, patience and keeping your heart open at all times. You manage that and the finishing line is inevitable with all sorts of prizes.

Monday, 27 September 2010

I can fly

Because of the sudden changes in my life, there have been a lot of ups and downs, which have caused some disturbing dreams. Since I am more of a spiritual character, messages through my dreams are quite important to me and I will spend some time researching the symbols that appear in my dreams.

But last night, I finally had a positive dream. My mind and heart are finally on the road to recovery. The chains are broken and I feel free and light as a feather.

I dreamed I was flying. And I never felt so free.

The meaning behind flying literally means that I am free from the troubles that have plagued me for some time. In the dream I was also communicating with birds and birds represent good-luck, emotional balance in personal life, harmony.

If you're interested in this kind of thing, below are some examples of dream interpretations and numerology (My life path is a 6. I definitely learned something from it):

My Orange Peel

There's this horrible beast out there. Something that a lot of ads in women's magazine seem to advertise on how to get rid of. It's something that even thin women "suffer" from. Something that appears as little grooves, dimples, the texture of an orange peel... Something we all know as CELLULITE!

Why is it that women have this illusion that the perfect skin is a flawless body coat; free from beauty marks, moles, grooves, acne, cellulite, scars, large pores, blackheads? Is it really in our nature to be critical of how others look or has it been exaggerated through time? No doubt, grooming is a part of human nature, as with any animal, we like a good wash. And some even like to add a little more to their routine. Perhaps the spritz of some perfume, a lather of body lotion, an anti-oxident anti-wrinkle day cream with SPF 15, some foundation, mascara, some blush, a dab of gloss...

But how many of us put on make-up, slap on the anti-wrinkle cream, the anti-cellulite cream, the anti-hair cream, because we genuinely want to and how many of us put on these products because we feel this is the ticket to one-way-beauty?

Check this out - I'm a petite, athletic but with curves (meaning tits AND ass), 5 foot 5 gal, who has cellulite on her ass. Yea, that's true, I got a couple of little grooves on the side of my plump but firm little ass. Oh yea baby. And I like it! I do, I think it's cute, especially when my special someone grabs a boat loud of my cute tush and moans 'this feels delicious'.

Come on ladies. You can focus on the not-really-that-evil orange peel hugging your cute tush, or you can focus on the sexy tush, the curve of your waist, the perky tits, the length of your neck, the dimples in your cheek, the peachy shoulders, the lips, the smile... Enjoy your body for what it is. If you feel crappy because you know you'd feel better with a couple of pounds less, then do what you got to do and get rid of it. I don't really exercise, I kinda go for a run from time to time. I know if I'd run more, I'd feel better about myself, but if I don't run, I eat in moderation. And I don't forbid my body anything. If it wants chocolate, I give it chocolate, if it wants a burger I give it a burger, if it wants a veggie casserole that will take me 3 hours to make, I'll give it a fucking veggie casserole and maybe some extra cheese on top, and enjoy a dinner with my sister. I just make sure I eat everything in moderation.

I know life isn't black and white and people are suckered into all kinds of issues and this usually fuels all sorts of things; if it's over-eating, under-eating, obsessed with beauty products, fashion, plastic surgery... So I don't think for a second this blog could cure anyone right away. But I do think as a woman of our "modern" times it's worth asking, how many women worry more about keeping up their appearences than their passions/career?

I understand that actors in the realms of Hollywood are under enormous pressure to maintain their youth. But are we really just going to accept this kind of behavior? After all, they're setting an example for your daughters. Maybe we cant change the entertainment world, but at least we can stand up and be proud of what nature has given us, and hope that inspires other young women too. The fact that we have 23 year old actresses pumping their foreheads with botox? The obsession for "youth" has catapulted, but to make a decent movie, with heart felt actors saying their lines with dedication... well...

The next time you check out a women's magazine and you find an anti-whatever ad, have a think, do 'I really want this?' Or is 'this imposed on me believing that true beauty is without cellulite?'

If it's natural, it's meant to be. And if you change it, do it for yourself, not for anyone else.

My body is covered in a solar-system of beauty marks and moles. Yea, they can get in the way, the amount of times I scratched a mole off and caused some ugly bleeding, was enough to remove a couple. I was teased in school for having marks on my body. And it made me insecure, I believed it made me ugly. Luckily, the men I shared my heart with, loved them. They thought it made me look unique, special. In the end, I had to see that on my own. I had to see that my beauty marks made me different from other girls, made me stand out, it made me recognizable in a different way. And that's good. Those are the things you want to keep.

I could stare at my face, my body, and pick out the little things I didn't quite like, but that would just bring me down. A painting is only finished when completed and that's how you have to look at yourself, the entire painting as a whole, the mood this painting projects, the feeling, the soul, the brush strokes. And if you have something unique, make sure that's the part that stands out the most, because something unique is what sets you apart from everyone else. It's what people will remember you for.

Do we really want everyone to look the same? Beauty is an endless scope, it's everywhere and it comes in all sizes, shapes and colors.

Do we really want to take such diversity from this world?

One day your beauty will fade into something wiser, something mystical and confident. What will shine through your skin will be your personality that had been developing through the years and made you into a warrior princess.

Spend less time worrying if your hairs all right and spend more time working on your inner self, so that when you reach an awesome age of 60+, you'll have some fascinating stories to tell. People love people, not for their looks, but for their beautiful magnetic personalities.

Friday, 24 September 2010

My Dream House

I woke up this morning from a dream that kind of had an affect on me. Not a negative one, not necessarily a positive one, just one that got me thinking. And usually, if a dream's got me thinking I spend my time on the internet researching for its meaning.

And I came up with something rather interesting.

First off, I'll explain what happened. I dreamed of a house, an old large wooden house with history. It had some resemblances with my family home in Switzerland, which is also about 200 years old or so but this 'dream house' wasn't as well refurbished and modern on the inside. The house in my dream had old derelict furniture in it. The beds were hard, the pillows dusty, the carpets and wooden floors chalky. My family was there, everyone but my father. There are other people there, my brothers wife, my sisters best friend and an ex-boyfriend of mine. We hang around in the kitchen, which is also rather old and worn from the 70's era, whilst the rest of the house had a more Victorian approach to it.

After we hang around some in the kitchen, having a bite to eat, we head upstairs for a sleep. I sleep in the master bedroom with my mother and my ex-boyfriend. The three of us share a bed. Obviously this is odd. And my ex-boyfriend then at one point wants to have sex with me, to which I kind of comply to as long as we were quiet and wouldn't wake up my mother. The sex never really comes to fruition, because it just seems too uncomfortable to try and 'do it' with a parent around.

We try and sleep, and I feel uncomfortable in my bed, mostly because the pillow creeps me out. It's all dusty and mangled because it's so old and I could only imagine the various heads that slept on it, so it grossed me out, even more when at one point I thought to have inhaled a boat load of dust as I tried beating the pillow into a more comfortable puff. Ew.

Eventually the sun rises. My mother gets up and leaves the room, probably to wake everyone else up. My ex-boyfriend and I stay in bed, again he tries to pull my knickers off, but I tell him there was no point, too much commotion in the house. He asks me if I feel comfortable in the house, I told him I loved it, but it needed much refurbishment and more light in all the rooms and hallways and I also told him I believed there to be ghosts because the house was so big and the energy wasn't passing through it properly. But I loved the master bed room. Half of the wall leading right up over the roof, was a massive sky light, bleeding sunlight from all directions. I told him the master bedroom must be amazing by night fall, you could probably see all the stars. I also told him that the other thing that bothered me the most was that the house, no matter how beautiful, graceful and full of potential, was right by the street and it could attract robbers.

After I got out of bed, I decided to take a wander around, check out the other rooms. The hallway was very wide, there wasn't much furniture to speak of, only a decrepit bed here and there. I peeked into the bathroom, very briefly, I think my brother might have been in there, with my nephew. The bathroom to my left seemed rather big, with a plump bathtub in the middle and two large basins against the wall. The bathroom seemed steamy, white and kind of fresh from its use. I wandered further down the dark hall, which seemed to be the color of a dank yellow, maybe the old carpets were a mustered yellow. I entered another room, my sisters best friend was in it, she seemed chirpy. The room was a strange oval-square shape, the house was very old, so maybe in time the wood shifted and what was once straight was now rounded. However, the little room expanded into a second bedroom and I could tell that there were once doors separating the two rooms. Maybe one was once the childrens room and the spare little room was the nanny's room. I suddenly turned to my sisters best friend, tears welled in my eyes and I told here, there were so many rooms in this house that we could turn it into an orphanage. Give every child the care and attention it would need.

That's the end of my dream.

When I went through the interpretations, I came up with some interesting prospects. Firstly, the house my dream represents is myself. The basement is the subconscious, the kitchen represents health and well being, the bedroom sexuality, the bathroom's about physical and emotional cleansing and the attic is another form of the subconscious (the less explored etc) and windows represent how you present yourself to the world. After looking into it, I came up with some interesting thoughts.

I was briefly in the kitchen, which could mean my health isn't in the best shape, this makes sense since I am currently trying to battle some kind of flu. The fact that the rest of my experience in the house dealt with bed rooms, this could represent something about my current sexual life, or maybe I put my private life too much on display, or maybe I'm too hung up on my private life that I'm missing out on valuable work time... And why was I sharing the master bedroom with my mother and an ex-boyfriend? The only answer I could come up with; because they are one of the larger concerns in my life, the two people I think and worry about more than I should and they are two people who have had and still sometimes have created a negative feeling inside of me when I think about them.

Next what I had to look at, is the age of the house and how it was decorated within. Well the house was very old and that was visible not only because of the peeling paint, but because of the appliances, the furniture and the lack of furniture. Maybe this could mean that I don't surround myself with enough things that I want, enough people that I would like to be surrounded by and the fact that the house is older than me? Is in need of a bit of repair and a lot of refurbishment? Could mean that I still am not quite where I want to be in my life.

I also think, the fact that there was SO much light in the master bedroom but hardly anything in the rest of the house, could mean that I am not listening to myself enough, that I will only display what I feel comfortable with, that maybe I should try not to ignore the signs my subconscious is trying to tell me.

To interpret dreams is not something I would recommend, but since I believe symbols appear in life, if you want them to or not, I do think along the way to completing our missions in life, things will appear, warning signs, green go-ahead signs, anything. And to dream simply is a way for your subconscious to release any 'trash' that it's been storing up that day. Consciously we can choose what we want to think about and what not, but your subconscious doesn't have that choice, it just takes and takes and then at night time, it releases. This doesn't mean to ignore your semiconscious, on the contrary, I think we should listen to it more often, because it could be one of the purest ways for you to find out if something's right for you or not.

The house in my dream didn't have a cellar or an attic. I think the top floor where I spent the night was kind of the 'attic', after all there were other rooms I hadn't yet explored. Just so you know, this house was something my mind made up entirely, a house I've never seen before in my life. Or maybe I have seen it before... I think that house is me.

Monday, 20 September 2010

Hello, my names Sorry

I counted one day how many times I apologized in one day. 36 times. Maybe that's a huge number to some, maybe it's a small number to some.

For me? What was I apologizing for? That's what I kept asking.

I think we apologize too much. I hear it all the time. Sorry, could you please make some room so that I can get by? Sorry, I didn't see you there... Sorry I cannot hear you, could you please speak up? Sorry, but this is who I am... Sorry but I'm not sorry...

I've been in enough hairy situations with people where I end up apologizing more for my own existence than maybe wondering if maybe whatever I did, wasn't actually something to apologize about.

Where does all this apologizing come from? Growing up, my mother had a tendency to induce guilt in order to get her way. Yes, it's not just the Catholics who grow up with guilt issues. So, I grew up feeling guilty most of the time, sacrificing myself for other people, feeling terrible if I wanted something because I didn't feel like I deserved it. Once I recognized these "issues", I knew it was time I packed my bags and went out to discover ME. And I wasn't sorry for it! I left my home when I was 18 and had various adventures, learning quickly that life wasn't about leading it for others, it was about leading it for myself.

I still harbor a bit of guilt from time to time, a poison that takes time to leave your veins. But I know with everyday, I can tell myself comfortably what I want and that I deserve the very best and that I never need to apologize for it. I also managed in my time, to find some interesting lovers who also managed to prey on my guilt-weakness, and so with that, I've become stronger in recognizing who's good for me and who isn't.

The amount of times I've apologized on the grounds for who I am rather than what I did is insurmountable and unacceptable.

Because we're all in control of our feelings and our actions, and no one drives anyone to the punch, we do that ourselves.

If you want to say sorry, than say it to yourself for not being there enough for yourself, for not giving yourself everything you deserve. You are your most true best friend and you only got you, for the most part of the day anyway...

It's not Excuse Me, it's Excuse You...

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

True Sex Comes From Within

I've done a lot of reading over the weekend (and writing for that matter) - mostly due to one of my best girl friends who has hooked me up with some amazing literature. My sister now worries I've totally been converted into a feminist, I might be or I might not be, that is the question, or not at all, it really doesn't matter, because what's important is the KNOWLEDGE!

So whenever you get a chance, look into 'Female Chauvinist Pigs' by Ariel Levy and it will give you a great break-down of our cultural movement in the male and female American society.

But now in my own words. Raise your hand if you feel sexy? Raise both hands if you feel sexy and want to have sex because you're horny? Raise both hands and a leg if you feel sexy, feel horny and really want to do it with someone special? Raise both hands and both legs if you feel sexy, feel horny, want to have sex with someone special and know in return he/she is into you as much as you are into them?

Ok, my point is this, if you feel none of these things, ever, then there's something wrong. And I'll tell you why - forget Paris Hilton, any Porn star with fake tits, hair and lips, forget all those celebrities who have showed off their vagina's or have put out porn flicks to get media attention and then somehow make a career out of it. Forget reality TV (it really ain't that real), forget Big fucking Brother, forget it all.

Now, remember this, life is about you. Just you and what you want and what you're worth. It's about your body shape, not that re-touched model in the magazine, or the actress who faught tooth and nail to get her 'movie' body a month before the shoot. It's about your beautiful body, the way it feels in your hands, the way the curves, the muscles, the tender bones beneath your skin feels. It's about the soul in your eyes when you look in the mirror. It's about your pretty mouth when you talk and say wonderful things that captures peoples attention. It's about your thoughts, your dreams, your lust and desire to love. That's what it's about. Forget the rest. They're all phony trying to fit in, just like you've been trying to fit in your whole life. It ain't worth it. Because you're special, you're unique, you create a balance in this world, without you, things would tip. You are here for a reason, and that is to stand out as your own. To capture your dreams in your own beautiful and unique and remarkable way.

I wasn't gonna initially write all that above, but it came out anyway, so I'm leaving it there.

But what I really wanted to say is this, Paris Hilton is NOT sexy. You know why? Because she's obvious and cloned just the way the media clones every unique individual into a peroxide soulless stick. She's tall, thin, and blond and wears pink. In my opinion, Paris Hilton's a cartoon character that society has invented, or come to accept, to what sexy is. If you watch her "porn" videos, she's BORED out of her mind! You know why? Because she actually doesn't really know how to have sex. Just because someone oozes obvious sex, doesn't mean they actually know how to have good sex. Just like someone obsessed with porn, won't necessarily know how to be good in bed. Because porn doesn't teach anything about connection, it just tells you wear to stick it and how many places to stick it into!

Someone like Paris Hilton who spends more time checking herself out in the mirror, getting attention, won't actually know what to do with it when it comes down to it. Because she is numb inside. She's an outer shell. She's what I would like to call, make-believe. Now we've all done it, when we were children, we made stuff up, we played in the gardens, ran around, turning our real world into a world of magic and color and castles and wars, only we could see. Then we grow up, and we enjoy real connection, we learn from the next person, we connect and we turn our world into something magical that we can actually touch, see, smell, hear and taste.

So my point is this, real is what you make of it. And whatever sexy is to you, is real and it's true.

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

A Lost Person

I used to know you,
really well.
Then I got blinded,
your beauty got in the way.
I used to understand you,
really well.
But then you
went away
and although I knew why,
it hurt like hell.
At times I feel lost,
I think of you so hard,
I believe to know how you feel.
It might be the same
way I feel.
But whatever the change,
I had to let go somehow.
I didn't want to,
but choice was limited.
Now I try to mend,
and move the rocks from shore,
just so I can try and
breath a little.
I hope
with all the change
with all the promises
once made
and lost,
it was
all worth
For me it was.
For me it always
will be.

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Through My Eyes

Something interesting happend only a couple of days ago, I put up a new comic strip (check here - and shortly after one of my best girlfriends texted me concerned that the comic strip would jeopardize my music career as well as "hurt some people".

I know, putting that strip up could have a small ripple effect, but what I was also doing was displaying my happiness with how my life was moving forward. I never want to have the feeling that I need to compromise my art for other people, because they couldn't deal with my truth. That would be unfair to myself as an artist and to what I believe and stand for. We are all responsible for our own feelings and actions, therefore even if my art, including this blog, has an effect on someone, positive and negative, this is not my problem.

Another interesting factor is, although my recent comic strip is very close to current changes in my life, I am surprised that this one would have such a great reaction, when previous comic panels of mine were even more severe - the amount of times I have referred to slitting my wrists has shockingly gathered little response. So why may I ask, when in times of happiness, do I have to be more wary of peoples reactions than when I have displayed utter despair in older panels?

Of course I have respect to those who I love and I appreciate strong opinions and suggestions, I would be bored if everything was "swell" and "lovely" all the time. I enjoy fire and I enjoy a challenge, but I want to be clear to anyone who has payed attention to my work should know that I am not and will never compromise my work, my thoughts, my expressions through my work for the sake of anyones feelings. Not because I'm a bitch, but because this is my life and I don't want anyone to ever have an influence on it that would prevent me from growing as a person.

The key note in my last comic strip was CHANGE. And I think I have mentioned this in more in-depth detail in previous blogs, that change is upon us, all the time, and that it doesn't necessarily need to be negative. In fact there is no such thing as negative change. Change happens for a reason and it can be very uncomfortable, but believe me, this is good. You want to be outside of your comfort zone at all times. What you fear you should face, not what makes you feel safe. Because there is no such thing as safe, that is an illusion for us to follow, because we're all cowards really until we decide to change those things that make us fat, lethargic and uninspired.

Again, I think sometimes I can sound harsh. But passion was never quiet. Passion for me was always to be loud.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Exploiting the Sexes

I just finished reading a rather interesting article on a couple who have an "open relationship". Their verbal contract consists of things such as; no cuddling after sex with the stranger, no going away on weekends with the sexual stranger and not wearing any items of clothing that your partner has given you during a sexual encounter... there's more, but I think you get the picture.

In the article the writer explains how her and her partner have spare bedrooms for their promiscuous encounters. According to Her, she has less time to have these sexual flings than he does because of her busy career. She says they are happy with the arrangement, and they still reserve some days of the week for them to do "couple things". (I smell break-up in the near future, but she insists they are happy, as long as they stick to the "contract".)

The reason for their change in attitude towards monogamy, was because for the both of them, after years of being strict monogamists, they both felt, it was time to try something new.

After reading it, I agreed on one thing this couple did right, and that was COMMUNICATION. They expressed what they thought they needed in order to maintain their spark, keep the flame burning. Communication is key in a relationship, and if sexually you're unhappy, surely the first thing to do is talk to your partner about it and see what kind of resolution you can come up with.

However, what came next was a different story. I felt the writer was brash in assuming that her fresh attitude to this "relationship" was the all and end all to a successful relationship, immediately assuming that men just want sex, and that women who want their men to be loyal to them, were "weak" and "vulnerable".

Holly Hill wrote - "... they (women) need to realize that men want sex for different reasons..." that is assuming all men want promiscuous sex, sex without emotion and women are desperate and clingy. I also didn't agree with something else she wrote, "A woman who insists on lifetime sexual exclusivity is vulnerable and weak, but a woman who negotiates sexual infidelity is powerful." How can anyone presume that all men just want sex with no strings and all women want sex with life commitment?

Once again, men and women are being pigeon holed for obvious traits that society in time has lead us to believe. Believe it or not but men do have emotions like women and not all men are sports crazy and not all women can multitask. This is what I am talking about, this culture of pigeon holing people into something, just so that we can feel safer, in control and to feel like we understand the world, even in its most unexplained stages.

There seems to be this obsessive need to control the world around us.

I truly believe we are born the same, male and female. The only difference is our genitalia, but boys and girls have the same of everything. It isn't until Daddy takes John out to play football and Jenny stays inside because Mommy's baking a cake. This is when our children begin to think an act in a certain way because society expects them to.

Thankfully I had an older brother and I was into Barbies just as much as LEGO and GI-Joe. I also now have skills in wrestling (due to various sibling wrestling matches), and I've built various skills for team sports a well as general athletics. I was also just as good at sewing clothes for my dolls as I was building spaceships out of plastic bricks.

And just because I want to open my heart, experience true euphoria and spiritual connection with a man does not make me "weak" and "vulnerable". I believe the contrary. To want true expression with one person is a gift, it is personal and incredibly rewarding. Granted, not every relationship lasts to the end but some do and hopefully for the right reasons. I think it is "modern" women like Holly Hill (author of this article I am critiquing) who gives young women the false concept of what a healthy sexual relationship is.

If a man wants a woman to himself, and the woman feels the same way, because their feelings are mutual and together they can experience some kind of nirvana, then I don't see that as weak or vulnerable, I see that as beautiful, I see that as revolutionary, I see that as incredibly powerful.

In our Western world, we're furthermore distancing ourselves from the outside world, spending more time social networking on the internet than having an active social life. The rise of using programmed machines to take your order so that you don't have to set foot in a grocery store, is another form of desensitizing yourself from the world around you. And now writers such as Holly Hill are reminding us, that sex can just be an act, with no strings attached, another way of distancing yourself from any true human connection.

Good for women like Holly Hill to have found a partner who agrees with sex outside their "relationship". I always believed there was more than one way to lead a "monogamy" relationship, that only so many things would remain "traditional". But I have to stress, that "power" does not come from social conditioning and following whatever is laid out there for you to grab.

For me the true "power" comes from questioning, being critical of your surroundings and forming your own path, far away from any influence created by the norm. Because true power comes from within and not by how many people follow you.

Friday, 3 September 2010

Body Image

We all got something to complain about. In an ideal world, we wouldn't be complaining at all and instead love what we got and what surrounds us.

I think this still could be achievable, but really it's more important to begin with thy self. Look at your body, your soul, your spirit and love it dotingly. The amount of times I have had young women, sometimes even older than me, ask if they looked fat or looked this or that is pretty much uncountable. We all know where these insecurities derive from, the media, and who put the media there? We did. So we only have ourselves to blame. Point is, if you give it life, surely you can also take it away. Maybe that's a bit morbid... What I mean is, and maybe this will sound less frightening, if we gave the media power, we can also take it away, after all, we're the ones buying reality TV, newspapers, gossip, fashion rags... True power comes from believing in ourselves and our own unique beauty.

The amount of times I have felt uncomfortable when girls go off about their body issues... then they turn to me, "so what do you think? Should I shed a couple of pounds...?" Gosh I don't know. If you're that unhappy, change it, but don't turn to me to give you an honest opinion, mines just as easily polluted by what media portrays as the "perfect body image". I mean, I'm also just trying to love and accept myself for exactly who I am, I don't have time to make others feel better about themselves, people should do that on their own.

This is why I stopped buying trash magazines, this even sometimes includes Grazia, which I quite like for it's range of fashion (affordable) and personal, world as well as gossip stories. But this is why I had to stop, the fucking poor influence these rags have had on me. Why should I care what celeb did that weekend, or how bad or good she looks in a bikini...? This is all very negative publicity (publicity none the less) which causes an addiction to see people fail. It's a temporary rush, which quickly needs to be followed by more celebs looking their worst, hence the rising of paparazzi. Once you're successful, you're pretty much alone (unless you've made some awesome trust-worthy friends), because everyone's jealous and all they wanna do is bring you down.

This might sound negative and I am not speaking for everyone, but this is how the media is currently run. It's kind of soul destroying if you ask me.

So yea, you wanna know what I do every morning after I shower? I have this longish mirror in my room, and when I look at myself naked, I point out all the pretty things I see. And then I put on my clothes and feel great. Simple as that. Be positive. If you feel negative, drink a smoothie, give yourself a facial and most importantly, say 'I love you', to yourself when looking in the mirror.

Because we are perfect just the way we are. If we weren't perfect, we wouldn't be here.

So yea, go and celebrate yourself. BTW - this goes out to men as much as women. Thank God men exist though, if there should ever be a great distraction, men should be it, not trash mags...

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Label Me!

Something that's been niggling at me since I last posted my blog and that is LABELS. Everyone wears them, everyone has them, everyone thinks them, everyone is one. Labels.

I ain't much of a lady for labels. I don't care what's by what, who's who within this and so on. But people need them. People want to know where you're at. Which political party you're in, what your job title is, what your sexual orientation is...

I am me. I am Nina, the name my parents gave me and that is a fact, a "label" I carry proudly, but the rest? Well that's for you to discover isn't it? That's for you to find out, make your own opinions of me, but I ain't ever going to be just the one thing so that you can feel more at ease. I am not here to please you, make you feel safe in knowing where you have me. I am here for me. And me only! But that doesn't mean I won't share.

The reason why I am saying this, is because my aim in my last blog regarding the return of sexism, was to point out the harsh reality that women are still seen as sex objects in certain businesses (the sex industry mostly) and not seen for their hard work, intelligence and commitment. This is why I believe sex to be personal and to desensitize yourself with pornography to the point where you don't meet women in the real world, is frightening to me.

But I am not trying to change anything the world already is, because that would be in vain. All I can do, all we can do, those who have a conscious, is set the right example and show love and receive love and hope that love will work as a chain reaction to the point where everyone will love.

So to be clear, I am not a feminist, I am not a humanist, I am not straight, gay or bi, I am not a socialist, capitalist, right wing, left wing, in the middle, white, black, 20, 23, 165cm, five foot five, blond, black, brunette, red... I am not a label of any kind. You can't make me and I won't buy it. I am me. Wonderful Nina who will forever love and be in love with life, people and my art. I forever want to surround myself with people who live life similar to myself, who do not bitch and moan about other people, who's only care in the world is to love life and work their asses off to get what they want because they know they deserve the very best.

I do believe, the more people surround themselves with good people and share love, this could actually have a world-wide effect and people will treat each other the way they want to be treated. You are your best friend, love yourself and you'll love others and receive love in return. There's me dreaming that the worlds problems can be solved by love, but hey, it's a wonderful thought, and if I continue to believe in those people who share my love, I am sure only good things will come from it.

I am me. Nina. And that might be a label to you. But it's the only one.

Sunday, 29 August 2010

Sex Sells!

I have a lot going on in my head at the moment and that's mainly due to a book I'm reading that was given to me from one of my best friends. Although I haven't finished the book, I do feel I'm in dire need to express my thoughts on the subject at hand. If I act out angrily, I will NOT apologize, because when change needs to happen, it needs to happen NOW.

The book I am reading is called Living Dolls by Natasha Walter. And this book highlights the return of sexism in our Western culture. She focuses mainly on Great Britain however references/discusses other pieces written/explored from other Journalists in other Western countries.

I am not a feminist, as I believe in equality for both sexes, so call me a HUMANIST (as I am editing this piece my friend tells me that the term 'Humanist' was invented by the White European Male... makes me wonder if the term was invented as a subliminal ploy to distract the main objective of being a feminists - who are not all man haters and/or lesbians!). As a humanist, I believe that by trying to understand all sides of a story, this will help me make better opinions and clearer choices in my life.

I will highlight the main concerns of the book from the pages I've dipped in so far - Natasha believes that Great Britain is on the cusp of returning into a modern form of sexism. This is expressed through various interviews with Glamor models, prostitutes, strippers, editors from sex rags (such as NUTS and FHM) as well as club owners of various strip joints.

So far, I am livid. I cannot believe that we have allowed ourselves to turn into another cave-man driven society. We are all responsible for allowing this to happen. Starting off with our daughters of the future who are exposed at an early age to toys such as BRATZ (newer, more bizarre version of Barbie dolls). BRATZ's motto is to look sexy, look cool, go shopping and go party. This doll expresses a very limited outlook on what girls are to believe they are capable of. No wonder our little girls already have body dis-morphia by the time they turn 8 when their modern day celebrity figures already have had nose jobs, cheek fillers, chin sculpting, liposuction, botox by the time they're 20. And no wonder our little ladies get confused about coitus when already at the tender age of 11, boys in their schools are exposing them to degrading pornography because parents can't hide their Nuts magazines and/or keep them away from the internet, which inevitably results in girls thinking they have to take it up the ass, whilst sucking another guys dick, and boys wouldn't know any better anyway, because do we ever see a woman in porn say NO?!

Other interesting subjects rise when Natasha dips into the GLAMOUR modeling industry (which really is a fancy term for women to pose naked...) and that the TV/glamour modeling/film industry is now glamorizing stripping, prostitution (paid or not paid), lap-dancing and posing for the page 3 papers, giving the illusion that these women "chose" to take these jobs, that women are really the ones in power. Well if women really are in power, then why do most women feel shitty after giving a guy a lap-dance? Why do most men degrade women verbally and physically when selling their bodies for sex? If the sex industry was that respectable to women and so "empowering", why do most women come away feeling like they've lost part of their soul?

I am not judging anyone who goes into the sex industry. What I am trying to get at is that women shouldn't grow up believing they're only as good as their looks. Women shouldn't think it's prude if they're not into threesomes. Women should know and truly understand that they have other options to make money and have successful career. And I think once women realize this, and this education needs to start with young girls, then this feeling of "empowerment" will actually exist and for the right reasons.

In my opinion, the feeling of empowerment has nothing to do with sex, it's about confidence. And yea, THAT can be sexy.

I'm not even interested in arguing that the sex industry should be banned. We all know that sex sells and so it will be forever the oldest form of business. I just think that every woman should be aware of the fine lines between 'sex' and what really is sexy. It has become "fashionable" to glamorize prostitution like in Billy Pipers TV drama "Diary of a Call Girl", or that having emotionless sex is living life like a man as it's portrayed in "Sex & The City". Men and Women. We are different, we all know that, but we could all get along and respect one another's individuality, if only we stopped allowing ourselves to get influenced by the wrong media.

Sex is personal and I believe in mutual consent, in everything. And I think having sex with someone special, where you both come away feeling fabulous, not degraded or used, is how sex should be treated and respected. We all know that real life isn't about material, how many men or women you fucked, or the money. We know that real life is about understanding it, filling your "void" with something that only you can do for yourself and that these experiences are best shared with someone special...

You want to get noticed? Your personality should do that for you, your talent, your whit, your CONFIDENCE! Sexy is confidence. And confidence is sexy. Believe me, that's all I ever was seduced by in a man, confidence, not looks, not money, not anything. Just confidence. And I'm a very confident lady and if a man can't handle it, then he ain't worth it.

Returning to the book; please read it if you are interested in this subject. I think it is vital to be aware of this fast growing change in our modern society. I think parents should be incredibly careful what they expose their daughters and sons too. After all do you really want your six year old daughter running around in a jeans skirt with the words "Hot Stuff" printed on the back?

Are we really going to allow young impressionable women believe they are only going to succeed if they look pretty? I work in the music industry and I don't agree with most Pop/RnB music videos out there that objectify women as sex symbols. Are we really going to allow our young children to look up to celebrity figures such as the Pussycat Dolls (the name alone) or Sugababes or Girls Allowed who prance around half naked, singing about sex slaves and THESE are the people we should be looking up too?

I'm not happy until I see BRATZ or Barbie working as a sound engineer/artist.

I will always do my fucking best to set an example of what I believe to be a strong, confident, woman, a strong and confident HUMAN being. I think if women really really want to move forward it's down to the individual, set the right example, teach men that anal sex isn't an option anymore.

I think PRUDE is the new fucking trend. Show less flesh, have more confidence and always be passionate about your life. You work on those main three ingredients and the world will fall at your feet!

It's always worked for me!

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Finding "Mr Right"!

Whatever I say now is all my opinion and that's where my fountain of knowledge comes from, experience. I am not here to "ruin" any ideal thoughts or fantasies or dreams. I am writing this because I think women of our time have this unhealthy thought that Mr Right is out there, waiting for you. I don't believe that, but I do believe there is Mr Right-Now and he's not "waiting" for you, he's there to challenge you. We are already born complete so try not to go looking for the other "half" of your soul. You can, however, find someone who is compatible with you. And if you're young like me, and you're still finding your way, discovering more and more about yourself, you'll be changing men more than you think, because unless the man you're with is developing exactly the way you are, it is inevitable that you will grow apart, or clash at some point, and you'll be faced with the inevitable thought - "Why can't things go back to the way they were?".

So, there is no Mr or Miss Right. There is only Mr or Miss Compatible. Why not? I think that's pretty fucking cool and even better. Why have someone who's so "right" for you anyway. Life's about imperfections and working things through, that's the excitement. If everything were perfect, we'd have no reason to live, why do you think the Atlantis crashed into the sea... I do think however, for someone to be compatible in whatever stage of your life, it is vital that you both bring the best out of each other. That you both learn and grow through being together.

Now, we all know that at some stage, I'm pretty sure we've all been there, when the dating turns into a relationship and you're maybe one or two years in, maybe more, and you're both pretty darn comfortable and you're dating nights have turned into stay-at-home-movie nights with extra cheesy pizza, you'll find yourself a little bit samey. This happens. It's normal. BUT and that's a big BUT, it's up to you and your partner to make sure you keep things "interesting". Spice thing's up, go out and do something crazy.

We are faced with these impossible romantic movies. I ain't cynical. I believe my life's like a glamourous movie and I'm the director and the star so hey, more glamour this way please. But when we watch Hollywood produce the same romantic love formula over and over again, just with different characters, did we ever ask, when the couple finally get together, what happens next???

Of course we don't see what comes after, that would totally spoil the climax of the film. Because we all know what will happen, they'll live it out for a few months, and then they'll realize, that relationships need work. Love is a motivation, but even this beautiful feeling needs fuel and lots of attention. Romance my dear, ain't always about showering each other with gifts and dinners, it's the little things, like him doing the dishes even if he cooked for you that night, or buying him a toothbrush because it's time he stopped using yours, or maybe it's about stealing his sweater cos you wanna remember his smell when he's away...

See? I ain't cynical. I'm just telling the truth. My truth, but you might agree with me, or maybe you're learning something new.

A friend of mine said, "Why even bother thinking about settling for 'one' person. Why put yourself under all that pressure?". True, it's a lot of pressure to think I gotta find someone who would be for life. I never slept around. Every man I did sleep with, I had a spiritual connection with and usually it turned into a relationship. I guess you could call me a serial relationship-er. But I also grew a lot from being with someone and I feel that my relationships are like chapters in my book. Every man in my life was a unique turn around.

And what if you're confused about him being Mr Right-Now? It shouldn't have to be confusing, it should be straight forward. If your mind and heart is questioning, there is a reason for it, it's telling you something you really need and aren't getting, don't be afraid to consider change. Change can be scary, but it should be good scary, it should be exciting. Too many times have I heard people think change was frightening as though it were something bad. It's not. It's healthy. It's what life should be. Why settle for something with a routine? Life is short if you live life this way. For every 9-5 person out there, when you get home, don't switch on the TV, cook a fucking gourmet meal, or get back to that painting you've always wanted to finish, join a dance class, don't crash in your sweats, wear your sexy heals and walk around the house naked. My point is, challenge yourself daily, even if it's just little things like wearing no underwear to work, or switching your desk around, because those little things are what will keep you looking young and fresh.

And a good man, someone who is good for you and I don't mean good for you because he buys you dinners and drinks, but good for you because he embraces you for exactly who you are, he opens your heart, you open his, you both share, you both challenge, you both bring out the best and you both feel free... That's someone to hold onto as long as you can, even when it gets rocky, those challenges are what defines your love and devotion. That is, if you believe in monogamy. If you don't, that's cool, enjoy the person you're with whilst you can and make sure they're helping you bring the best out of yourself and vice versa.

I'm a free spirit and as much as I believe in my freedom, my freedom should always come with obstacles that helps me grow.