Sunday, 27 June 2010

My Apology

In the waking sun
I hold you tight.
Once safe in a fruit,
soaking the sweet nectar
from your heart,
in the worm we spill
something we once killed.
And when she
comes rising around
the bend,
once sorry
I let me heart fly
into the smoke,
choking from all the crumbs you fed me,
I squeeze my skin
tight against
my breast,
milk spilling from my pores
like venom
I ask you to suck,
so we can
be together again.

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Mr. Bag

Oh Boy. Here comes another one. Guzzling it down like lemonade on fire. It felt good though. Letting the ol' hair down, remembering the rock n roll days of just being me, surrounded by Gods delicious fruits.

And the morning after? My body aches, my mind aches, my heart aches. Memories swoop back in, squeezing that void. Loneliness like cancer festering my bones.

I have a gig tonight. Drinks last night were too many to count, but the company's in question were great to be around.

It's been a long time since I was out and about, fully aware that there no longer was someone waiting for me at home, realizing I was on the "market" so to speak. And you know what? It wasn't that hard. I forgot how friendly people were. Genuinely honest and seemingly caring. I was care free and life seemed good for a little while. The blast lasted until four in the morning. All the way home there was laughter, a guest stayed over and off they went in the later part of the morning after recapping the eventful evening.

I truly believed last night that I could do this. Really and truly. This morning said something different. But it's mind over matter. The urge to tell Him that I really miss him is suffocating me. Feelings of betrayal haunt my brain like an indisposed ghost. But I try and stay strong.

I do wonder if he misses me as badly as I miss him. If his love is the same as mine...

Tonight I have a show. The show must go on. No matter what. I've always been strong. I never crumble before anyone I don't fully trust. And it's my time to have fun.

One day someone will deserve me and I them.

Friday, 25 June 2010

My Identity

I was once a little girl.
I cared nothing more than to have a doll.
One day this doll turned into
And I loved him.
Then this boy
turned into
a man.
And I loved him too.
One day
this man made me
I was somebody.
I could do anything.
Because this man was
I had a sense of purpose.
I was real. I was human.
And if something went wrong,
I ran to him,
and he loved it all away.
A man in my life,
is a distraction of the real me.
A man in my life,
turns me into a person.
A man in my life,
makes me important.
One day
I will have to learn
that a man in my life,
if not careful,
can become a burden to bare.
Best is to be loved,
once you
truly love

The Single Life

Yesterday a good girl friend of mine came round to my house in the morning and we had some coffee and a nibble of fruit. I had a nibble of fruit really, I couldn't bare getting anything down, not after all that's been happening. Sorry girls, when I get depressed, I just don't eat, at least this way I might lose the 'love' fat around my hips from all the 'love' eating I used to do when I was together with Him.

She took me to the London Zoo. We walked the entire day, from Angel to Camden, around the zoo and back again. The animals were a great hit and filled me with warmth. My feet were incredibly sore by the time we got back to mine for dinner. And you know who used to give me the best foot rubs? Him. So my heart was about to burst at the thought of what wasn't going to be anymore. Now only the memories stick. I usually hold on the best ones, which is healthy for the future, not so healthy now when you think that it's all over...

Love is like a vessel that feeds and feeds and then one day the tap runs dry. If you don't keep turning that soil, one day nothing will grow from it. My point is, I think this time round I can safely say, I did it right. All of it. Sure, in the beginning things were loony sometimes tough, but boy did I grow from it all into a better person.

I just don't know what it's like to be single anymore. I think it's been a good 9 years I've been having relationships. And in between the break ups I had something like 2 months of singleton then back onto the ride again. My parents would tell me I couldn't live without a man. I guess it would appear I really couldn't. Even now I miss his warm chest, his soft touch, the gentle kisses, the stroking of my hair, those sweet words the would float from his lips like hot milky embers, encasing my heart, making me feel unstoppable. You could say I'm a love junkie. You could also say I just wear my heart on my sleeve and naively believe every man who ends up being with me is the one for life.

I did believe Him to be different though. It truly was in the beginning. I felt blessed to have such a mentor, learning everything he could possibly teach. I grew from that. He somehow went the other way. Now he's out there, carving his own path, something long over due, and although I won't be there as his lover, I'll be there as his best friend. I guess I can take some comfort in that. Being his best friend is a massive gift.

Let's look at my dilemma through a microscope, lets not zoom in too close to the specimen, but lets figure this out. Besides the fact that my heart hurts with love that I can no longer share with a specific other, why does the 'lonely' thing scare me? Was it social conditioning? Have I lost site of who I am and that alone I can stand strong if I worked hard at it? Is it my own doing and pressures I put on myself that I want the cliche house and kids? Where did it all get so messy?

My first love, true one, not the sexy fantasy ones I had of boys when I was in kindergarten, was my best girlfriend. Now we did everything together. We had our own bubble and were completely enamored with one another. I was a bit dominant, bossy at times, and when I felt like I wasn't getting my way I sneakingly put guilt on her so that she would come crawling back asking me to take her in. I did this throughout all of my relationships when I wasn't happy with something. I used guilt as a weapon to try and take control over someone. This soon came to an end for the most part until I met Him. We had been together for over a year, and he had no qualms sorting me out, pointing out my bullshit and my games.

Where does this conniving-guilt-pushing-onto-others come from?

One answer: my mother. My mother was, still is (but getting better) a control freak, there's probably a bit of OCD mixed in there as well. Point is, the only way she could control me was to guilt trip me into doing whatever she wanted. It worked. Until this very day I still get feelings of responsibility for everything and everyone around me. I try to catch myself out, but still at times it can influence certain decisions I make in my life. But to have become aware of this is a blessing. Not many people understand where they get their quirks from. I am now more aware than ever of what's going on in my head.

So where does the fear of loneliness come from? I think this hasn't been an influence from my parents really, but I do have a feeling that it has something to do with my first love and having that become the platform of how I was in a relationship. I also think, since my parents were rarely around, I constantly sought other people of the family and friends for guidance. This automatically made me dependent on others. However there is something else that counter acts the dependency; my parents weren't around much, so I was free to do whatever I wanted and with everything I've always wanted, my parents did in fact support me throughout. So there's a level of feeling empowered by my decisions, knowing the world was my oyster and going for it as hard as I could. But then there was something missing. Someone's approval perhaps. Maybe that's why I've had trouble making decisions. Whilst I was free, I still wanted a level of guidance. And those people who awed me, I kept them in my web, feeding off of their positive feedback, becoming dependent on their words of wisdom.

So now, here I am, alone (physically and mentally) and I have to become comfortable to make decisions, alone.

I think once I master that, I should be even more better off than I am now.

Afterall, it's up to me to make my life happen. It's no one else's responsibility.

My heart still hurts. I still yearn for his comfort. But once he paves his path the way he likes it, and I pave my path the way I like it and our feelings for each other are still as strong, maybe then can we finally be truly happy together, side by side, stronger than ever before.

But until then, here comes 'me time'.



Thursday, 24 June 2010

She Sailed Alone

I think this time I can say that what I tried my very best in, is now officially over.

So much for soul mates.

So much for making that choice you thought was forever.

So much for really putting yourself out there.

It's a war out there.

No matter who says different.

It's a war.

And my battle wounds must now heal. If they will ever heal that is.

At this point I see no real end to my suffering. I only see that it will get easier with time. But I don't think I can ever give my heart away again. At least I cannot foretell that I ever will. This has by far been the most painful experience because I am more aware than ever what has been going on.

As a person I have come far and I have cleaned up the bullshit that I had accumulated. I just wish he was on the same path as me. I wish he was stronger. So that we can be together and laugh about all of this.

Now I feel a fool.

Now I feel ill.

Now I feel like nothing is worth living for.

Now I only have a best friend left. For some it might be enough.

But I am plagued with memories of what was once more.

Maybe soon I will become more grateful.

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Through Red Curtains

Their indecisive shadows
hop left and right,
a stage presented to them
as if to entertain.
A grumbling of whistles
when reciting their lines,
as they move back and forth,
sticking their chests out
like kings.
The stage light rises,
their silhouettes elongating
and the stage shrinking.
Soon my morning soap opera
will come to an end,
as the little entertainers take
flap their wings
and return to
their dressing rooms.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Find Your Place

I look back on old pictures, old songs, poetry, writing, and all I can do is smile. Sure things are still tough now, sometimes even harder, just because I'm more aware of everything, and maybe that's why a smile creeps across my face. Right now, I have an old tune riding in the back of my head, no to be exact, right in my ear, even with the volume low, yea, can't escape the past that's for sure. It's an old tune I wrote. Not even that bad either...

Some wine drifts through my body like poison, but it's whats relaxing me at the moment, to look back. Maybe it's not so healthy, but sometimes, when the evenings are still from all the days trouble, it's worth letting her pass through like a sick child feeding from a mothers breast. The warmth of knowing I've lived through some pretty tough shit. And why not? What are we to expect? A peachy turn out? come on. Half of the adventure is suffering through the hardships to love the happy times!

Ah, bless, I ain't here to preach. Just floating a character around like a head on a stick, passed all the battle, letting my head throb from vines stronger than a weed in the wind and thinking, man, I did some awesome shit. And more to come. Maybe less daring, cos I will be thinking about it twice. Man, I was a beauty then as well. More so than I am now. Sure, I got something rather strong about me, maybe even hard, but then, I was beautiful, and you know why? Innocence. Naivety. That's the key to beauty. Stay ignorant. Learn nothing and your face will know no pain. And will show none for that matter.

I laugh now and I'm only 26. But really I'm 50 something baby. But old souls tend to find it harder anyway. For them they're battling a world of knowledge. Thinking they know something more than most but feeling conflicted by the slow pace of the world.

Old me is talking now like a willow tree soaking water from a storm.

Try and live and soak all you can.

I'll hold your hand if you need me too.

Territorial Pissings

I suffer for what it's worth,
inside and out
never ashamed
although at times
I wonder for what it's worth,
and maybe the sun
shines into the truth
increasing the light
and answers arrive.
Like a pope to a desperate soul,
I seek for what is right
and what is not
influenced by the norm.
In times of need
anger fills my lungs
and I seek more than most,
and water spills
over the edge
suffocating a vision
once told in despair.
And he haunts her like a vision
and asks for forgiveness
as he strokes
her silky shoulder
and forever they be
as she craves for
a boat to
take her far from here
Suffering is in all of us
the day we are born.
And we choose
which is better to
and which is better
I want so much
yet I get so little.
Which is honest
and which is
I try and live
but sometimes
I destroy.
My walls are strong
but they
crumble in my water.
I float from here
and fly from there.
Nothing is common,
my world is
and yet I want
to fill it more.
Speak no more
of what you want
just be and love
your most wanted
soul to touch
never stop
your worth.

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Blood Spills

The water stains with blood. I fight against your greasy hooks. I try and resist. Maybe I break free or maybe I grow weak and you pull my once lively flesh onto your boat, and I die a fearful death.

From all animals in this world, the ones that have only known to play with us, who have fought battles for us, we allow men to kill dolphins and whales for their meat.

Dolphin meat is deemed inedible by the health association, it's filled with mercury and other pollutants that stores in the fat of the mammal, and yet it is sold illegally as whale meat. How can this still be continuing? Imagine if someone walked into your home and slaughtered your cat or your dog? Your heart would break. You would be inconsolable. And understandably so. Dolphins are intelligent, curios beings. Because of their unique ways, some have believed them to come from another planet. Whatever the belief, they continue to trust us and yet still we reach over the boats edge and murder them.

My heart breaks. Many times. Please be more careful when you choose your meat. I do not believe in unwanted suffering. Any suffering on anything innocent should not ever be allowed. Please be aware where your meat comes from. Please do not support this mass murder any longer. Let us support life and freedom to all of animal kind instead. There are so many humans in this world, trying to make ends meet. I understand that some things get lost in translation. Out of desperation many people try and do whatever it takes to stay afloat. But we are powerful enough to help those with financial needs. Let us help Japan and other countries dependent on whale hunting and help open their eyes that there are other ways to make a living than slaughtering mammals of the ocean.

Adopt a dolphin and more -

Donate and protect our whales -

Help them stay free -

Read more and please help! -

Thank you for reading!