Yesterday a good girl friend of mine came round to my house in the morning and we had some coffee and a nibble of fruit. I had a nibble of fruit really, I couldn't bare getting anything down, not after all that's been happening. Sorry girls, when I get depressed, I just don't eat, at least this way I might lose the 'love' fat around my hips from all the 'love' eating I used to do when I was together with Him.
She took me to the London Zoo. We walked the entire day, from Angel to Camden, around the zoo and back again. The animals were a great hit and filled me with warmth. My feet were incredibly sore by the time we got back to mine for dinner. And you know who used to give me the best foot rubs? Him. So my heart was about to burst at the thought of what wasn't going to be anymore. Now only the memories stick. I usually hold on the best ones, which is healthy for the future, not so healthy now when you think that it's all over...
Love is like a vessel that feeds and feeds and then one day the tap runs dry. If you don't keep turning that soil, one day nothing will grow from it. My point is, I think this time round I can safely say, I did it right. All of it. Sure, in the beginning things were loony sometimes tough, but boy did I grow from it all into a better person.
I just don't know what it's like to be single anymore. I think it's been a good 9 years I've been having relationships. And in between the break ups I had something like 2 months of singleton then back onto the ride again. My parents would tell me I couldn't live without a man. I guess it would appear I really couldn't. Even now I miss his warm chest, his soft touch, the gentle kisses, the stroking of my hair, those sweet words the would float from his lips like hot milky embers, encasing my heart, making me feel unstoppable. You could say I'm a love junkie. You could also say I just wear my heart on my sleeve and naively believe every man who ends up being with me is the one for life.
I did believe Him to be different though. It truly was in the beginning. I felt blessed to have such a mentor, learning everything he could possibly teach. I grew from that. He somehow went the other way. Now he's out there, carving his own path, something long over due, and although I won't be there as his lover, I'll be there as his best friend. I guess I can take some comfort in that. Being his best friend is a massive gift.
Let's look at my dilemma through a microscope, lets not zoom in too close to the specimen, but lets figure this out. Besides the fact that my heart hurts with love that I can no longer share with a specific other, why does the 'lonely' thing scare me? Was it social conditioning? Have I lost site of who I am and that alone I can stand strong if I worked hard at it? Is it my own doing and pressures I put on myself that I want the cliche house and kids? Where did it all get so messy?
My first love, true one, not the sexy fantasy ones I had of boys when I was in kindergarten, was my best girlfriend. Now we did everything together. We had our own bubble and were completely enamored with one another. I was a bit dominant, bossy at times, and when I felt like I wasn't getting my way I sneakingly put guilt on her so that she would come crawling back asking me to take her in. I did this throughout all of my relationships when I wasn't happy with something. I used guilt as a weapon to try and take control over someone. This soon came to an end for the most part until I met Him. We had been together for over a year, and he had no qualms sorting me out, pointing out my bullshit and my games.
Where does this conniving-guilt-pushing-onto-others come from?
One answer: my mother. My mother was, still is (but getting better) a control freak, there's probably a bit of OCD mixed in there as well. Point is, the only way she could control me was to guilt trip me into doing whatever she wanted. It worked. Until this very day I still get feelings of responsibility for everything and everyone around me. I try to catch myself out, but still at times it can influence certain decisions I make in my life. But to have become aware of this is a blessing. Not many people understand where they get their quirks from. I am now more aware than ever of what's going on in my head.
So where does the fear of loneliness come from? I think this hasn't been an influence from my parents really, but I do have a feeling that it has something to do with my first love and having that become the platform of how I was in a relationship. I also think, since my parents were rarely around, I constantly sought other people of the family and friends for guidance. This automatically made me dependent on others. However there is something else that counter acts the dependency; my parents weren't around much, so I was free to do whatever I wanted and with everything I've always wanted, my parents did in fact support me throughout. So there's a level of feeling empowered by my decisions, knowing the world was my oyster and going for it as hard as I could. But then there was something missing. Someone's approval perhaps. Maybe that's why I've had trouble making decisions. Whilst I was free, I still wanted a level of guidance. And those people who awed me, I kept them in my web, feeding off of their positive feedback, becoming dependent on their words of wisdom.
So now, here I am, alone (physically and mentally) and I have to become comfortable to make decisions, alone.
I think once I master that, I should be even more better off than I am now.
Afterall, it's up to me to make my life happen. It's no one else's responsibility.
My heart still hurts. I still yearn for his comfort. But once he paves his path the way he likes it, and I pave my path the way I like it and our feelings for each other are still as strong, maybe then can we finally be truly happy together, side by side, stronger than ever before.
But until then, here comes 'me time'.
Love,
Nina
