Monday, 27 September 2010

I can fly

Because of the sudden changes in my life, there have been a lot of ups and downs, which have caused some disturbing dreams. Since I am more of a spiritual character, messages through my dreams are quite important to me and I will spend some time researching the symbols that appear in my dreams.

But last night, I finally had a positive dream. My mind and heart are finally on the road to recovery. The chains are broken and I feel free and light as a feather.

I dreamed I was flying. And I never felt so free.

The meaning behind flying literally means that I am free from the troubles that have plagued me for some time. In the dream I was also communicating with birds and birds represent good-luck, emotional balance in personal life, harmony.

If you're interested in this kind of thing, below are some examples of dream interpretations and numerology (My life path is a 6. I definitely learned something from it):

My Orange Peel

There's this horrible beast out there. Something that a lot of ads in women's magazine seem to advertise on how to get rid of. It's something that even thin women "suffer" from. Something that appears as little grooves, dimples, the texture of an orange peel... Something we all know as CELLULITE!

Why is it that women have this illusion that the perfect skin is a flawless body coat; free from beauty marks, moles, grooves, acne, cellulite, scars, large pores, blackheads? Is it really in our nature to be critical of how others look or has it been exaggerated through time? No doubt, grooming is a part of human nature, as with any animal, we like a good wash. And some even like to add a little more to their routine. Perhaps the spritz of some perfume, a lather of body lotion, an anti-oxident anti-wrinkle day cream with SPF 15, some foundation, mascara, some blush, a dab of gloss...

But how many of us put on make-up, slap on the anti-wrinkle cream, the anti-cellulite cream, the anti-hair cream, because we genuinely want to and how many of us put on these products because we feel this is the ticket to one-way-beauty?

Check this out - I'm a petite, athletic but with curves (meaning tits AND ass), 5 foot 5 gal, who has cellulite on her ass. Yea, that's true, I got a couple of little grooves on the side of my plump but firm little ass. Oh yea baby. And I like it! I do, I think it's cute, especially when my special someone grabs a boat loud of my cute tush and moans 'this feels delicious'.

Come on ladies. You can focus on the not-really-that-evil orange peel hugging your cute tush, or you can focus on the sexy tush, the curve of your waist, the perky tits, the length of your neck, the dimples in your cheek, the peachy shoulders, the lips, the smile... Enjoy your body for what it is. If you feel crappy because you know you'd feel better with a couple of pounds less, then do what you got to do and get rid of it. I don't really exercise, I kinda go for a run from time to time. I know if I'd run more, I'd feel better about myself, but if I don't run, I eat in moderation. And I don't forbid my body anything. If it wants chocolate, I give it chocolate, if it wants a burger I give it a burger, if it wants a veggie casserole that will take me 3 hours to make, I'll give it a fucking veggie casserole and maybe some extra cheese on top, and enjoy a dinner with my sister. I just make sure I eat everything in moderation.

I know life isn't black and white and people are suckered into all kinds of issues and this usually fuels all sorts of things; if it's over-eating, under-eating, obsessed with beauty products, fashion, plastic surgery... So I don't think for a second this blog could cure anyone right away. But I do think as a woman of our "modern" times it's worth asking, how many women worry more about keeping up their appearences than their passions/career?

I understand that actors in the realms of Hollywood are under enormous pressure to maintain their youth. But are we really just going to accept this kind of behavior? After all, they're setting an example for your daughters. Maybe we cant change the entertainment world, but at least we can stand up and be proud of what nature has given us, and hope that inspires other young women too. The fact that we have 23 year old actresses pumping their foreheads with botox? The obsession for "youth" has catapulted, but to make a decent movie, with heart felt actors saying their lines with dedication... well...

The next time you check out a women's magazine and you find an anti-whatever ad, have a think, do 'I really want this?' Or is 'this imposed on me believing that true beauty is without cellulite?'

If it's natural, it's meant to be. And if you change it, do it for yourself, not for anyone else.

My body is covered in a solar-system of beauty marks and moles. Yea, they can get in the way, the amount of times I scratched a mole off and caused some ugly bleeding, was enough to remove a couple. I was teased in school for having marks on my body. And it made me insecure, I believed it made me ugly. Luckily, the men I shared my heart with, loved them. They thought it made me look unique, special. In the end, I had to see that on my own. I had to see that my beauty marks made me different from other girls, made me stand out, it made me recognizable in a different way. And that's good. Those are the things you want to keep.

I could stare at my face, my body, and pick out the little things I didn't quite like, but that would just bring me down. A painting is only finished when completed and that's how you have to look at yourself, the entire painting as a whole, the mood this painting projects, the feeling, the soul, the brush strokes. And if you have something unique, make sure that's the part that stands out the most, because something unique is what sets you apart from everyone else. It's what people will remember you for.

Do we really want everyone to look the same? Beauty is an endless scope, it's everywhere and it comes in all sizes, shapes and colors.

Do we really want to take such diversity from this world?

One day your beauty will fade into something wiser, something mystical and confident. What will shine through your skin will be your personality that had been developing through the years and made you into a warrior princess.

Spend less time worrying if your hairs all right and spend more time working on your inner self, so that when you reach an awesome age of 60+, you'll have some fascinating stories to tell. People love people, not for their looks, but for their beautiful magnetic personalities.

Friday, 24 September 2010

My Dream House

I woke up this morning from a dream that kind of had an affect on me. Not a negative one, not necessarily a positive one, just one that got me thinking. And usually, if a dream's got me thinking I spend my time on the internet researching for its meaning.

And I came up with something rather interesting.

First off, I'll explain what happened. I dreamed of a house, an old large wooden house with history. It had some resemblances with my family home in Switzerland, which is also about 200 years old or so but this 'dream house' wasn't as well refurbished and modern on the inside. The house in my dream had old derelict furniture in it. The beds were hard, the pillows dusty, the carpets and wooden floors chalky. My family was there, everyone but my father. There are other people there, my brothers wife, my sisters best friend and an ex-boyfriend of mine. We hang around in the kitchen, which is also rather old and worn from the 70's era, whilst the rest of the house had a more Victorian approach to it.

After we hang around some in the kitchen, having a bite to eat, we head upstairs for a sleep. I sleep in the master bedroom with my mother and my ex-boyfriend. The three of us share a bed. Obviously this is odd. And my ex-boyfriend then at one point wants to have sex with me, to which I kind of comply to as long as we were quiet and wouldn't wake up my mother. The sex never really comes to fruition, because it just seems too uncomfortable to try and 'do it' with a parent around.

We try and sleep, and I feel uncomfortable in my bed, mostly because the pillow creeps me out. It's all dusty and mangled because it's so old and I could only imagine the various heads that slept on it, so it grossed me out, even more when at one point I thought to have inhaled a boat load of dust as I tried beating the pillow into a more comfortable puff. Ew.

Eventually the sun rises. My mother gets up and leaves the room, probably to wake everyone else up. My ex-boyfriend and I stay in bed, again he tries to pull my knickers off, but I tell him there was no point, too much commotion in the house. He asks me if I feel comfortable in the house, I told him I loved it, but it needed much refurbishment and more light in all the rooms and hallways and I also told him I believed there to be ghosts because the house was so big and the energy wasn't passing through it properly. But I loved the master bed room. Half of the wall leading right up over the roof, was a massive sky light, bleeding sunlight from all directions. I told him the master bedroom must be amazing by night fall, you could probably see all the stars. I also told him that the other thing that bothered me the most was that the house, no matter how beautiful, graceful and full of potential, was right by the street and it could attract robbers.

After I got out of bed, I decided to take a wander around, check out the other rooms. The hallway was very wide, there wasn't much furniture to speak of, only a decrepit bed here and there. I peeked into the bathroom, very briefly, I think my brother might have been in there, with my nephew. The bathroom to my left seemed rather big, with a plump bathtub in the middle and two large basins against the wall. The bathroom seemed steamy, white and kind of fresh from its use. I wandered further down the dark hall, which seemed to be the color of a dank yellow, maybe the old carpets were a mustered yellow. I entered another room, my sisters best friend was in it, she seemed chirpy. The room was a strange oval-square shape, the house was very old, so maybe in time the wood shifted and what was once straight was now rounded. However, the little room expanded into a second bedroom and I could tell that there were once doors separating the two rooms. Maybe one was once the childrens room and the spare little room was the nanny's room. I suddenly turned to my sisters best friend, tears welled in my eyes and I told here, there were so many rooms in this house that we could turn it into an orphanage. Give every child the care and attention it would need.

That's the end of my dream.

When I went through the interpretations, I came up with some interesting prospects. Firstly, the house my dream represents is myself. The basement is the subconscious, the kitchen represents health and well being, the bedroom sexuality, the bathroom's about physical and emotional cleansing and the attic is another form of the subconscious (the less explored etc) and windows represent how you present yourself to the world. After looking into it, I came up with some interesting thoughts.

I was briefly in the kitchen, which could mean my health isn't in the best shape, this makes sense since I am currently trying to battle some kind of flu. The fact that the rest of my experience in the house dealt with bed rooms, this could represent something about my current sexual life, or maybe I put my private life too much on display, or maybe I'm too hung up on my private life that I'm missing out on valuable work time... And why was I sharing the master bedroom with my mother and an ex-boyfriend? The only answer I could come up with; because they are one of the larger concerns in my life, the two people I think and worry about more than I should and they are two people who have had and still sometimes have created a negative feeling inside of me when I think about them.

Next what I had to look at, is the age of the house and how it was decorated within. Well the house was very old and that was visible not only because of the peeling paint, but because of the appliances, the furniture and the lack of furniture. Maybe this could mean that I don't surround myself with enough things that I want, enough people that I would like to be surrounded by and the fact that the house is older than me? Is in need of a bit of repair and a lot of refurbishment? Could mean that I still am not quite where I want to be in my life.

I also think, the fact that there was SO much light in the master bedroom but hardly anything in the rest of the house, could mean that I am not listening to myself enough, that I will only display what I feel comfortable with, that maybe I should try not to ignore the signs my subconscious is trying to tell me.

To interpret dreams is not something I would recommend, but since I believe symbols appear in life, if you want them to or not, I do think along the way to completing our missions in life, things will appear, warning signs, green go-ahead signs, anything. And to dream simply is a way for your subconscious to release any 'trash' that it's been storing up that day. Consciously we can choose what we want to think about and what not, but your subconscious doesn't have that choice, it just takes and takes and then at night time, it releases. This doesn't mean to ignore your semiconscious, on the contrary, I think we should listen to it more often, because it could be one of the purest ways for you to find out if something's right for you or not.

The house in my dream didn't have a cellar or an attic. I think the top floor where I spent the night was kind of the 'attic', after all there were other rooms I hadn't yet explored. Just so you know, this house was something my mind made up entirely, a house I've never seen before in my life. Or maybe I have seen it before... I think that house is me.

Monday, 20 September 2010

Hello, my names Sorry

I counted one day how many times I apologized in one day. 36 times. Maybe that's a huge number to some, maybe it's a small number to some.

For me? What was I apologizing for? That's what I kept asking.

I think we apologize too much. I hear it all the time. Sorry, could you please make some room so that I can get by? Sorry, I didn't see you there... Sorry I cannot hear you, could you please speak up? Sorry, but this is who I am... Sorry but I'm not sorry...

I've been in enough hairy situations with people where I end up apologizing more for my own existence than maybe wondering if maybe whatever I did, wasn't actually something to apologize about.

Where does all this apologizing come from? Growing up, my mother had a tendency to induce guilt in order to get her way. Yes, it's not just the Catholics who grow up with guilt issues. So, I grew up feeling guilty most of the time, sacrificing myself for other people, feeling terrible if I wanted something because I didn't feel like I deserved it. Once I recognized these "issues", I knew it was time I packed my bags and went out to discover ME. And I wasn't sorry for it! I left my home when I was 18 and had various adventures, learning quickly that life wasn't about leading it for others, it was about leading it for myself.

I still harbor a bit of guilt from time to time, a poison that takes time to leave your veins. But I know with everyday, I can tell myself comfortably what I want and that I deserve the very best and that I never need to apologize for it. I also managed in my time, to find some interesting lovers who also managed to prey on my guilt-weakness, and so with that, I've become stronger in recognizing who's good for me and who isn't.

The amount of times I've apologized on the grounds for who I am rather than what I did is insurmountable and unacceptable.

Because we're all in control of our feelings and our actions, and no one drives anyone to the punch, we do that ourselves.

If you want to say sorry, than say it to yourself for not being there enough for yourself, for not giving yourself everything you deserve. You are your most true best friend and you only got you, for the most part of the day anyway...

It's not Excuse Me, it's Excuse You...

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

True Sex Comes From Within

I've done a lot of reading over the weekend (and writing for that matter) - mostly due to one of my best girl friends who has hooked me up with some amazing literature. My sister now worries I've totally been converted into a feminist, I might be or I might not be, that is the question, or not at all, it really doesn't matter, because what's important is the KNOWLEDGE!

So whenever you get a chance, look into 'Female Chauvinist Pigs' by Ariel Levy and it will give you a great break-down of our cultural movement in the male and female American society.

But now in my own words. Raise your hand if you feel sexy? Raise both hands if you feel sexy and want to have sex because you're horny? Raise both hands and a leg if you feel sexy, feel horny and really want to do it with someone special? Raise both hands and both legs if you feel sexy, feel horny, want to have sex with someone special and know in return he/she is into you as much as you are into them?

Ok, my point is this, if you feel none of these things, ever, then there's something wrong. And I'll tell you why - forget Paris Hilton, any Porn star with fake tits, hair and lips, forget all those celebrities who have showed off their vagina's or have put out porn flicks to get media attention and then somehow make a career out of it. Forget reality TV (it really ain't that real), forget Big fucking Brother, forget it all.

Now, remember this, life is about you. Just you and what you want and what you're worth. It's about your body shape, not that re-touched model in the magazine, or the actress who faught tooth and nail to get her 'movie' body a month before the shoot. It's about your beautiful body, the way it feels in your hands, the way the curves, the muscles, the tender bones beneath your skin feels. It's about the soul in your eyes when you look in the mirror. It's about your pretty mouth when you talk and say wonderful things that captures peoples attention. It's about your thoughts, your dreams, your lust and desire to love. That's what it's about. Forget the rest. They're all phony trying to fit in, just like you've been trying to fit in your whole life. It ain't worth it. Because you're special, you're unique, you create a balance in this world, without you, things would tip. You are here for a reason, and that is to stand out as your own. To capture your dreams in your own beautiful and unique and remarkable way.

I wasn't gonna initially write all that above, but it came out anyway, so I'm leaving it there.

But what I really wanted to say is this, Paris Hilton is NOT sexy. You know why? Because she's obvious and cloned just the way the media clones every unique individual into a peroxide soulless stick. She's tall, thin, and blond and wears pink. In my opinion, Paris Hilton's a cartoon character that society has invented, or come to accept, to what sexy is. If you watch her "porn" videos, she's BORED out of her mind! You know why? Because she actually doesn't really know how to have sex. Just because someone oozes obvious sex, doesn't mean they actually know how to have good sex. Just like someone obsessed with porn, won't necessarily know how to be good in bed. Because porn doesn't teach anything about connection, it just tells you wear to stick it and how many places to stick it into!

Someone like Paris Hilton who spends more time checking herself out in the mirror, getting attention, won't actually know what to do with it when it comes down to it. Because she is numb inside. She's an outer shell. She's what I would like to call, make-believe. Now we've all done it, when we were children, we made stuff up, we played in the gardens, ran around, turning our real world into a world of magic and color and castles and wars, only we could see. Then we grow up, and we enjoy real connection, we learn from the next person, we connect and we turn our world into something magical that we can actually touch, see, smell, hear and taste.

So my point is this, real is what you make of it. And whatever sexy is to you, is real and it's true.

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

A Lost Person

I used to know you,
really well.
Then I got blinded,
your beauty got in the way.
I used to understand you,
really well.
But then you
went away
and although I knew why,
it hurt like hell.
At times I feel lost,
I think of you so hard,
I believe to know how you feel.
It might be the same
way I feel.
But whatever the change,
I had to let go somehow.
I didn't want to,
but choice was limited.
Now I try to mend,
and move the rocks from shore,
just so I can try and
breath a little.
I hope
with all the change
with all the promises
once made
and lost,
it was
all worth
For me it was.
For me it always
will be.

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Through My Eyes

Something interesting happend only a couple of days ago, I put up a new comic strip (check here - and shortly after one of my best girlfriends texted me concerned that the comic strip would jeopardize my music career as well as "hurt some people".

I know, putting that strip up could have a small ripple effect, but what I was also doing was displaying my happiness with how my life was moving forward. I never want to have the feeling that I need to compromise my art for other people, because they couldn't deal with my truth. That would be unfair to myself as an artist and to what I believe and stand for. We are all responsible for our own feelings and actions, therefore even if my art, including this blog, has an effect on someone, positive and negative, this is not my problem.

Another interesting factor is, although my recent comic strip is very close to current changes in my life, I am surprised that this one would have such a great reaction, when previous comic panels of mine were even more severe - the amount of times I have referred to slitting my wrists has shockingly gathered little response. So why may I ask, when in times of happiness, do I have to be more wary of peoples reactions than when I have displayed utter despair in older panels?

Of course I have respect to those who I love and I appreciate strong opinions and suggestions, I would be bored if everything was "swell" and "lovely" all the time. I enjoy fire and I enjoy a challenge, but I want to be clear to anyone who has payed attention to my work should know that I am not and will never compromise my work, my thoughts, my expressions through my work for the sake of anyones feelings. Not because I'm a bitch, but because this is my life and I don't want anyone to ever have an influence on it that would prevent me from growing as a person.

The key note in my last comic strip was CHANGE. And I think I have mentioned this in more in-depth detail in previous blogs, that change is upon us, all the time, and that it doesn't necessarily need to be negative. In fact there is no such thing as negative change. Change happens for a reason and it can be very uncomfortable, but believe me, this is good. You want to be outside of your comfort zone at all times. What you fear you should face, not what makes you feel safe. Because there is no such thing as safe, that is an illusion for us to follow, because we're all cowards really until we decide to change those things that make us fat, lethargic and uninspired.

Again, I think sometimes I can sound harsh. But passion was never quiet. Passion for me was always to be loud.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Exploiting the Sexes

I just finished reading a rather interesting article on a couple who have an "open relationship". Their verbal contract consists of things such as; no cuddling after sex with the stranger, no going away on weekends with the sexual stranger and not wearing any items of clothing that your partner has given you during a sexual encounter... there's more, but I think you get the picture.

In the article the writer explains how her and her partner have spare bedrooms for their promiscuous encounters. According to Her, she has less time to have these sexual flings than he does because of her busy career. She says they are happy with the arrangement, and they still reserve some days of the week for them to do "couple things". (I smell break-up in the near future, but she insists they are happy, as long as they stick to the "contract".)

The reason for their change in attitude towards monogamy, was because for the both of them, after years of being strict monogamists, they both felt, it was time to try something new.

After reading it, I agreed on one thing this couple did right, and that was COMMUNICATION. They expressed what they thought they needed in order to maintain their spark, keep the flame burning. Communication is key in a relationship, and if sexually you're unhappy, surely the first thing to do is talk to your partner about it and see what kind of resolution you can come up with.

However, what came next was a different story. I felt the writer was brash in assuming that her fresh attitude to this "relationship" was the all and end all to a successful relationship, immediately assuming that men just want sex, and that women who want their men to be loyal to them, were "weak" and "vulnerable".

Holly Hill wrote - "... they (women) need to realize that men want sex for different reasons..." that is assuming all men want promiscuous sex, sex without emotion and women are desperate and clingy. I also didn't agree with something else she wrote, "A woman who insists on lifetime sexual exclusivity is vulnerable and weak, but a woman who negotiates sexual infidelity is powerful." How can anyone presume that all men just want sex with no strings and all women want sex with life commitment?

Once again, men and women are being pigeon holed for obvious traits that society in time has lead us to believe. Believe it or not but men do have emotions like women and not all men are sports crazy and not all women can multitask. This is what I am talking about, this culture of pigeon holing people into something, just so that we can feel safer, in control and to feel like we understand the world, even in its most unexplained stages.

There seems to be this obsessive need to control the world around us.

I truly believe we are born the same, male and female. The only difference is our genitalia, but boys and girls have the same of everything. It isn't until Daddy takes John out to play football and Jenny stays inside because Mommy's baking a cake. This is when our children begin to think an act in a certain way because society expects them to.

Thankfully I had an older brother and I was into Barbies just as much as LEGO and GI-Joe. I also now have skills in wrestling (due to various sibling wrestling matches), and I've built various skills for team sports a well as general athletics. I was also just as good at sewing clothes for my dolls as I was building spaceships out of plastic bricks.

And just because I want to open my heart, experience true euphoria and spiritual connection with a man does not make me "weak" and "vulnerable". I believe the contrary. To want true expression with one person is a gift, it is personal and incredibly rewarding. Granted, not every relationship lasts to the end but some do and hopefully for the right reasons. I think it is "modern" women like Holly Hill (author of this article I am critiquing) who gives young women the false concept of what a healthy sexual relationship is.

If a man wants a woman to himself, and the woman feels the same way, because their feelings are mutual and together they can experience some kind of nirvana, then I don't see that as weak or vulnerable, I see that as beautiful, I see that as revolutionary, I see that as incredibly powerful.

In our Western world, we're furthermore distancing ourselves from the outside world, spending more time social networking on the internet than having an active social life. The rise of using programmed machines to take your order so that you don't have to set foot in a grocery store, is another form of desensitizing yourself from the world around you. And now writers such as Holly Hill are reminding us, that sex can just be an act, with no strings attached, another way of distancing yourself from any true human connection.

Good for women like Holly Hill to have found a partner who agrees with sex outside their "relationship". I always believed there was more than one way to lead a "monogamy" relationship, that only so many things would remain "traditional". But I have to stress, that "power" does not come from social conditioning and following whatever is laid out there for you to grab.

For me the true "power" comes from questioning, being critical of your surroundings and forming your own path, far away from any influence created by the norm. Because true power comes from within and not by how many people follow you.

Friday, 3 September 2010

Body Image

We all got something to complain about. In an ideal world, we wouldn't be complaining at all and instead love what we got and what surrounds us.

I think this still could be achievable, but really it's more important to begin with thy self. Look at your body, your soul, your spirit and love it dotingly. The amount of times I have had young women, sometimes even older than me, ask if they looked fat or looked this or that is pretty much uncountable. We all know where these insecurities derive from, the media, and who put the media there? We did. So we only have ourselves to blame. Point is, if you give it life, surely you can also take it away. Maybe that's a bit morbid... What I mean is, and maybe this will sound less frightening, if we gave the media power, we can also take it away, after all, we're the ones buying reality TV, newspapers, gossip, fashion rags... True power comes from believing in ourselves and our own unique beauty.

The amount of times I have felt uncomfortable when girls go off about their body issues... then they turn to me, "so what do you think? Should I shed a couple of pounds...?" Gosh I don't know. If you're that unhappy, change it, but don't turn to me to give you an honest opinion, mines just as easily polluted by what media portrays as the "perfect body image". I mean, I'm also just trying to love and accept myself for exactly who I am, I don't have time to make others feel better about themselves, people should do that on their own.

This is why I stopped buying trash magazines, this even sometimes includes Grazia, which I quite like for it's range of fashion (affordable) and personal, world as well as gossip stories. But this is why I had to stop, the fucking poor influence these rags have had on me. Why should I care what celeb did that weekend, or how bad or good she looks in a bikini...? This is all very negative publicity (publicity none the less) which causes an addiction to see people fail. It's a temporary rush, which quickly needs to be followed by more celebs looking their worst, hence the rising of paparazzi. Once you're successful, you're pretty much alone (unless you've made some awesome trust-worthy friends), because everyone's jealous and all they wanna do is bring you down.

This might sound negative and I am not speaking for everyone, but this is how the media is currently run. It's kind of soul destroying if you ask me.

So yea, you wanna know what I do every morning after I shower? I have this longish mirror in my room, and when I look at myself naked, I point out all the pretty things I see. And then I put on my clothes and feel great. Simple as that. Be positive. If you feel negative, drink a smoothie, give yourself a facial and most importantly, say 'I love you', to yourself when looking in the mirror.

Because we are perfect just the way we are. If we weren't perfect, we wouldn't be here.

So yea, go and celebrate yourself. BTW - this goes out to men as much as women. Thank God men exist though, if there should ever be a great distraction, men should be it, not trash mags...