Monday, 20 September 2010

Hello, my names Sorry

I counted one day how many times I apologized in one day. 36 times. Maybe that's a huge number to some, maybe it's a small number to some.

For me? What was I apologizing for? That's what I kept asking.

I think we apologize too much. I hear it all the time. Sorry, could you please make some room so that I can get by? Sorry, I didn't see you there... Sorry I cannot hear you, could you please speak up? Sorry, but this is who I am... Sorry but I'm not sorry...

I've been in enough hairy situations with people where I end up apologizing more for my own existence than maybe wondering if maybe whatever I did, wasn't actually something to apologize about.

Where does all this apologizing come from? Growing up, my mother had a tendency to induce guilt in order to get her way. Yes, it's not just the Catholics who grow up with guilt issues. So, I grew up feeling guilty most of the time, sacrificing myself for other people, feeling terrible if I wanted something because I didn't feel like I deserved it. Once I recognized these "issues", I knew it was time I packed my bags and went out to discover ME. And I wasn't sorry for it! I left my home when I was 18 and had various adventures, learning quickly that life wasn't about leading it for others, it was about leading it for myself.

I still harbor a bit of guilt from time to time, a poison that takes time to leave your veins. But I know with everyday, I can tell myself comfortably what I want and that I deserve the very best and that I never need to apologize for it. I also managed in my time, to find some interesting lovers who also managed to prey on my guilt-weakness, and so with that, I've become stronger in recognizing who's good for me and who isn't.

The amount of times I've apologized on the grounds for who I am rather than what I did is insurmountable and unacceptable.

Because we're all in control of our feelings and our actions, and no one drives anyone to the punch, we do that ourselves.

If you want to say sorry, than say it to yourself for not being there enough for yourself, for not giving yourself everything you deserve. You are your most true best friend and you only got you, for the most part of the day anyway...

It's not Excuse Me, it's Excuse You...

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