Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Label Me!

Something that's been niggling at me since I last posted my blog and that is LABELS. Everyone wears them, everyone has them, everyone thinks them, everyone is one. Labels.

I ain't much of a lady for labels. I don't care what's by what, who's who within this and so on. But people need them. People want to know where you're at. Which political party you're in, what your job title is, what your sexual orientation is...

I am me. I am Nina, the name my parents gave me and that is a fact, a "label" I carry proudly, but the rest? Well that's for you to discover isn't it? That's for you to find out, make your own opinions of me, but I ain't ever going to be just the one thing so that you can feel more at ease. I am not here to please you, make you feel safe in knowing where you have me. I am here for me. And me only! But that doesn't mean I won't share.

The reason why I am saying this, is because my aim in my last blog regarding the return of sexism, was to point out the harsh reality that women are still seen as sex objects in certain businesses (the sex industry mostly) and not seen for their hard work, intelligence and commitment. This is why I believe sex to be personal and to desensitize yourself with pornography to the point where you don't meet women in the real world, is frightening to me.

But I am not trying to change anything the world already is, because that would be in vain. All I can do, all we can do, those who have a conscious, is set the right example and show love and receive love and hope that love will work as a chain reaction to the point where everyone will love.

So to be clear, I am not a feminist, I am not a humanist, I am not straight, gay or bi, I am not a socialist, capitalist, right wing, left wing, in the middle, white, black, 20, 23, 165cm, five foot five, blond, black, brunette, red... I am not a label of any kind. You can't make me and I won't buy it. I am me. Wonderful Nina who will forever love and be in love with life, people and my art. I forever want to surround myself with people who live life similar to myself, who do not bitch and moan about other people, who's only care in the world is to love life and work their asses off to get what they want because they know they deserve the very best.

I do believe, the more people surround themselves with good people and share love, this could actually have a world-wide effect and people will treat each other the way they want to be treated. You are your best friend, love yourself and you'll love others and receive love in return. There's me dreaming that the worlds problems can be solved by love, but hey, it's a wonderful thought, and if I continue to believe in those people who share my love, I am sure only good things will come from it.

I am me. Nina. And that might be a label to you. But it's the only one.

Sunday, 29 August 2010

Sex Sells!

I have a lot going on in my head at the moment and that's mainly due to a book I'm reading that was given to me from one of my best friends. Although I haven't finished the book, I do feel I'm in dire need to express my thoughts on the subject at hand. If I act out angrily, I will NOT apologize, because when change needs to happen, it needs to happen NOW.

The book I am reading is called Living Dolls by Natasha Walter. And this book highlights the return of sexism in our Western culture. She focuses mainly on Great Britain however references/discusses other pieces written/explored from other Journalists in other Western countries.

I am not a feminist, as I believe in equality for both sexes, so call me a HUMANIST (as I am editing this piece my friend tells me that the term 'Humanist' was invented by the White European Male... makes me wonder if the term was invented as a subliminal ploy to distract the main objective of being a feminists - who are not all man haters and/or lesbians!). As a humanist, I believe that by trying to understand all sides of a story, this will help me make better opinions and clearer choices in my life.

I will highlight the main concerns of the book from the pages I've dipped in so far - Natasha believes that Great Britain is on the cusp of returning into a modern form of sexism. This is expressed through various interviews with Glamor models, prostitutes, strippers, editors from sex rags (such as NUTS and FHM) as well as club owners of various strip joints.

So far, I am livid. I cannot believe that we have allowed ourselves to turn into another cave-man driven society. We are all responsible for allowing this to happen. Starting off with our daughters of the future who are exposed at an early age to toys such as BRATZ (newer, more bizarre version of Barbie dolls). BRATZ's motto is to look sexy, look cool, go shopping and go party. This doll expresses a very limited outlook on what girls are to believe they are capable of. No wonder our little girls already have body dis-morphia by the time they turn 8 when their modern day celebrity figures already have had nose jobs, cheek fillers, chin sculpting, liposuction, botox by the time they're 20. And no wonder our little ladies get confused about coitus when already at the tender age of 11, boys in their schools are exposing them to degrading pornography because parents can't hide their Nuts magazines and/or keep them away from the internet, which inevitably results in girls thinking they have to take it up the ass, whilst sucking another guys dick, and boys wouldn't know any better anyway, because do we ever see a woman in porn say NO?!

Other interesting subjects rise when Natasha dips into the GLAMOUR modeling industry (which really is a fancy term for women to pose naked...) and that the TV/glamour modeling/film industry is now glamorizing stripping, prostitution (paid or not paid), lap-dancing and posing for the page 3 papers, giving the illusion that these women "chose" to take these jobs, that women are really the ones in power. Well if women really are in power, then why do most women feel shitty after giving a guy a lap-dance? Why do most men degrade women verbally and physically when selling their bodies for sex? If the sex industry was that respectable to women and so "empowering", why do most women come away feeling like they've lost part of their soul?

I am not judging anyone who goes into the sex industry. What I am trying to get at is that women shouldn't grow up believing they're only as good as their looks. Women shouldn't think it's prude if they're not into threesomes. Women should know and truly understand that they have other options to make money and have successful career. And I think once women realize this, and this education needs to start with young girls, then this feeling of "empowerment" will actually exist and for the right reasons.

In my opinion, the feeling of empowerment has nothing to do with sex, it's about confidence. And yea, THAT can be sexy.

I'm not even interested in arguing that the sex industry should be banned. We all know that sex sells and so it will be forever the oldest form of business. I just think that every woman should be aware of the fine lines between 'sex' and what really is sexy. It has become "fashionable" to glamorize prostitution like in Billy Pipers TV drama "Diary of a Call Girl", or that having emotionless sex is living life like a man as it's portrayed in "Sex & The City". Men and Women. We are different, we all know that, but we could all get along and respect one another's individuality, if only we stopped allowing ourselves to get influenced by the wrong media.

Sex is personal and I believe in mutual consent, in everything. And I think having sex with someone special, where you both come away feeling fabulous, not degraded or used, is how sex should be treated and respected. We all know that real life isn't about material, how many men or women you fucked, or the money. We know that real life is about understanding it, filling your "void" with something that only you can do for yourself and that these experiences are best shared with someone special...

You want to get noticed? Your personality should do that for you, your talent, your whit, your CONFIDENCE! Sexy is confidence. And confidence is sexy. Believe me, that's all I ever was seduced by in a man, confidence, not looks, not money, not anything. Just confidence. And I'm a very confident lady and if a man can't handle it, then he ain't worth it.

Returning to the book; please read it if you are interested in this subject. I think it is vital to be aware of this fast growing change in our modern society. I think parents should be incredibly careful what they expose their daughters and sons too. After all do you really want your six year old daughter running around in a jeans skirt with the words "Hot Stuff" printed on the back?

Are we really going to allow young impressionable women believe they are only going to succeed if they look pretty? I work in the music industry and I don't agree with most Pop/RnB music videos out there that objectify women as sex symbols. Are we really going to allow our young children to look up to celebrity figures such as the Pussycat Dolls (the name alone) or Sugababes or Girls Allowed who prance around half naked, singing about sex slaves and THESE are the people we should be looking up too?

I'm not happy until I see BRATZ or Barbie working as a sound engineer/artist.

I will always do my fucking best to set an example of what I believe to be a strong, confident, woman, a strong and confident HUMAN being. I think if women really really want to move forward it's down to the individual, set the right example, teach men that anal sex isn't an option anymore.

I think PRUDE is the new fucking trend. Show less flesh, have more confidence and always be passionate about your life. You work on those main three ingredients and the world will fall at your feet!

It's always worked for me!

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Finding "Mr Right"!

Whatever I say now is all my opinion and that's where my fountain of knowledge comes from, experience. I am not here to "ruin" any ideal thoughts or fantasies or dreams. I am writing this because I think women of our time have this unhealthy thought that Mr Right is out there, waiting for you. I don't believe that, but I do believe there is Mr Right-Now and he's not "waiting" for you, he's there to challenge you. We are already born complete so try not to go looking for the other "half" of your soul. You can, however, find someone who is compatible with you. And if you're young like me, and you're still finding your way, discovering more and more about yourself, you'll be changing men more than you think, because unless the man you're with is developing exactly the way you are, it is inevitable that you will grow apart, or clash at some point, and you'll be faced with the inevitable thought - "Why can't things go back to the way they were?".

So, there is no Mr or Miss Right. There is only Mr or Miss Compatible. Why not? I think that's pretty fucking cool and even better. Why have someone who's so "right" for you anyway. Life's about imperfections and working things through, that's the excitement. If everything were perfect, we'd have no reason to live, why do you think the Atlantis crashed into the sea... I do think however, for someone to be compatible in whatever stage of your life, it is vital that you both bring the best out of each other. That you both learn and grow through being together.

Now, we all know that at some stage, I'm pretty sure we've all been there, when the dating turns into a relationship and you're maybe one or two years in, maybe more, and you're both pretty darn comfortable and you're dating nights have turned into stay-at-home-movie nights with extra cheesy pizza, you'll find yourself a little bit samey. This happens. It's normal. BUT and that's a big BUT, it's up to you and your partner to make sure you keep things "interesting". Spice thing's up, go out and do something crazy.

We are faced with these impossible romantic movies. I ain't cynical. I believe my life's like a glamourous movie and I'm the director and the star so hey, more glamour this way please. But when we watch Hollywood produce the same romantic love formula over and over again, just with different characters, did we ever ask, when the couple finally get together, what happens next???

Of course we don't see what comes after, that would totally spoil the climax of the film. Because we all know what will happen, they'll live it out for a few months, and then they'll realize, that relationships need work. Love is a motivation, but even this beautiful feeling needs fuel and lots of attention. Romance my dear, ain't always about showering each other with gifts and dinners, it's the little things, like him doing the dishes even if he cooked for you that night, or buying him a toothbrush because it's time he stopped using yours, or maybe it's about stealing his sweater cos you wanna remember his smell when he's away...

See? I ain't cynical. I'm just telling the truth. My truth, but you might agree with me, or maybe you're learning something new.

A friend of mine said, "Why even bother thinking about settling for 'one' person. Why put yourself under all that pressure?". True, it's a lot of pressure to think I gotta find someone who would be for life. I never slept around. Every man I did sleep with, I had a spiritual connection with and usually it turned into a relationship. I guess you could call me a serial relationship-er. But I also grew a lot from being with someone and I feel that my relationships are like chapters in my book. Every man in my life was a unique turn around.

And what if you're confused about him being Mr Right-Now? It shouldn't have to be confusing, it should be straight forward. If your mind and heart is questioning, there is a reason for it, it's telling you something you really need and aren't getting, don't be afraid to consider change. Change can be scary, but it should be good scary, it should be exciting. Too many times have I heard people think change was frightening as though it were something bad. It's not. It's healthy. It's what life should be. Why settle for something with a routine? Life is short if you live life this way. For every 9-5 person out there, when you get home, don't switch on the TV, cook a fucking gourmet meal, or get back to that painting you've always wanted to finish, join a dance class, don't crash in your sweats, wear your sexy heals and walk around the house naked. My point is, challenge yourself daily, even if it's just little things like wearing no underwear to work, or switching your desk around, because those little things are what will keep you looking young and fresh.

And a good man, someone who is good for you and I don't mean good for you because he buys you dinners and drinks, but good for you because he embraces you for exactly who you are, he opens your heart, you open his, you both share, you both challenge, you both bring out the best and you both feel free... That's someone to hold onto as long as you can, even when it gets rocky, those challenges are what defines your love and devotion. That is, if you believe in monogamy. If you don't, that's cool, enjoy the person you're with whilst you can and make sure they're helping you bring the best out of yourself and vice versa.

I'm a free spirit and as much as I believe in my freedom, my freedom should always come with obstacles that helps me grow.

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Break-ups are hard

Below is a link I found on how to help get over a break-up. I'm so desperate to find a "cure" to help me through this painful stage in my life, that I had to google "how to deal with breakups". I found this site good and practical.

Sometimes you just have to make a choice in life. Even if you still love your ex-partner, you must come to terms with the fact that it's over and in time you will see that. And time is on your side. There are moments I do wish things were different, wanting them to go back to the way they were... but were those times always that good for me? After all, break-ups happen for a reason. Usually for the best. If it's meant to be, you'll probably find each other again in the future. But even so, it's not healthy to focus on something that could or could not happen. This is a time for you to focus on you. Find out what you want. Sharing your experiences is beautiful and will be missed very much with that special someone, but now is the time to share things with your most best and loyal friend - yourself.



Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

It's been a tough few days. Everything I had tried to keep away from me, is now in full blast choking me. I can't get away from it anymore, I can't avoid it, the denial is subsiding, I have to face the truth. I had a dream last night. I dreamed I was in water, with some friends, we were sitting on surf boards, our feet in the water, this blue turquoise water, rich and thick and clear. I wasn't frightened because the water was clear. The world was suddenly made of water, mountainous waves caressed the ocean bed like it were a landscape of middle Africa. Ships of all sizes bobbed up and down, mysterious and dark in the distance, freedom was at our finger tips. Suddenly gray dolphins emerged, swam next to us and I reached out my hand to touch one of them. She felt soft, warm and rubbery. I woke up.

The dream was a beautiful escape from the way I've been feeling lately. Somehow it gave me hope. That everything might just about be alright.

You know diary, sometimes the pain's just so great, I can't bear it. Sometimes I think of bad things, because the pain makes me try not to care for myself. The other 'me' screams and screams and says I can do great, I can do better, but I think having this force of nature strap me the way it does, I can also do the opposite, destroy myself.

You know that I love you. I have no choice. It will never go away. You are my best friend.

I've decided to hold onto the good things. I let go of my anger. My memories are only of fond things. I forgive you. I forgive myself.

Now it's step by step letting go of this pain that drags me down to the ground. My world will always see the positive. I have never given up. I know what true love is. And even if I was blind, I was lucky to have felt it at all. Our connection is not from this world, and this is why we are special. And this is why I have always been certain. The hardest is not talking. The hardest is missing.

Good night dear diary. May you one day make sense of my words. Understand my choices. I am already a good person. I am already unique. I already make choices with eyes open and closed. I just need to fix a few things. And that's ok. At this point I am desperate to be happy.

Monday, 16 August 2010

You Go Girlfriend!

As we get older, and hopefully wiser, we enter new worlds, create new worlds and overall make decisions with eyes wide open.

I have been doing a lot of thinking, as well as acting upon thoughts, but mostly, I've come face to face with who I can trust and who I can't.

Being a rather open and honest human being, a large part of my life has been lived most of the times in a rather naive state. In other words, more harshly, I didn't realize I was getting fucked over until I was "fucked over".

Thing is, it's my fault for putting trust into people so quickly. At least I can look on it in a positive light; I learned a helluva lot out of my experiences and I look back on my "mistakes" with fond memories. After all I wouldn't be here if I hadn't done what I did. But my morals, principles and my tastes have strengthened throughout the years of battle and euphoria and thus I realize I deserve the best of everything. Because I am awesome and I only want to share my awesomeness with other awesome people who really do appreciate who I am.

This includes old friends and new ones and newer ones to come. We've all been there when people grow apart. All of a sudden you're not in sync with this person anymore, you're just missing the point of each others' sentences and really, you don't have that much in common anymore. That's totally cool. This happens, nothing to be worried about. Thing is, I tend to hold onto the past, A LOT! The past seems to be my present most of the time and I'm telling you, although I'm physically moving forward, I'm not quite there all the time mentally. What to do? Clean the cobwebs out! Let go. Look back with a fond heart, but don't long for it, it's gone.

Now, old friends who have grown apart can become new friends, if they meet you on the other side, on equal terms. Otherwise it's best to just... let... go...of...them...

This was one of the subjects I had with a girlfriend of mine over lunch. Where is the "sisterhood" everyone's preaching about she asked me? I nodded and replied I didn't know. As a woman, to get to the "top" where the majority of the male sex seems to be hanging out, women become frustrated and begin competition amongst themselves. If you imagine a two layered cake, Men on the top bun and Women on the bottom smooshed in with the icing, you'd think we'd help one another get to the top faster instead of squabbling for the attention. And what happens? One woman gets through, the others, disappointed and bitter, turn to witches.

No good girlfriend! There are really only a handful of people (male and female) who I would really help out if it came down to it. Because I trust them. And it's true, when trust is broken, very rarely can it be fixed. And this is why I've made the decision to let go of some people.

And with every new spring, you gotta clean out your house from the stuffy winters. And that's what I'm doing. We all deserve the best, and sometimes we have to remind ourselves what the best for ourselves really is. And yea, I've been fooled so many times by those who claim to be my friend, only to find out they had other intentions. It's what I get for carrying my heart on my sleeve. The difference now though is, I'm more choosy on who to give a bit of my heart to.

Throw out the old and bring in the new!

Monday, 9 August 2010

I'm Alive!

By Jove, how that's true.

I'm Alive!

Man, I had a fucking epiphany. Something just happened in the last 24 hours. And you know what it is? I am fucking back! Me! The good ol' Nina that everyone loves and adores, especially me. Sounding a bit full of myself? Well probably yes, but I don't care. That's the beauty of it. I just don't fucking care because I'm in love with myself again. It's that kind of love that makes you realize you deserve the very best, that the world's at your feet and that no one will stop you because you won't allow them too. It's basically this love I have re-found within myself that knows it will get the very best. I don't depend on anyone anymore, I am completely independent and free from everyone, which is empowering and I will achieve everything my heart desires.

That's it. And it's freedom. Real true freedom to finally be released from those chains, you know, those social conditioning chains, the ones that send subliminal messages telling you that you have to live life a certain way in order to be accepted and appreciated. By Jove, I don't have that, not anymore. I'm once again back to being me, I really feel it, it's like having wings and flying whenever the wind hits you.

Ladies and gents, this is the way to live your life, without judgment and ignoring anyone else's judgment because they have a certain thought process and believe that it's their way or the highway. Well guess what, I feel the same way, it's my way or the highway folks. The only difference is, I ain't gonna preach this to anyone, people can live however they want to live, but if they read this and find inspiration from it, then that's beautiful. I'm only sharing these things because I am happy to put myself out there, naked truth for all you beautiful people to read. Take it or leave it I say.

We all have powers, it's just a matter of learning how to harness the powers given to us. You can do anything you want. There is no limit. The limit is yourself if you allow for limits to exist. I know there is no limit. The road is an endless silk ribbon with adventures along the way.

No one deserves anyone. We only deserve ourselves. But we can respect each other, help each other, treat each other the way we would treat ourselves; with love and care.

You treat someone poorly, then that means you're really treating yourself poorly. You don't love someone, then you don't really love yourself. We are all united somehow, carved from the same flesh. If we all loved ourselves as purely as we're designed too, then love would be endless amongst each other. If you don't respect another human being, this really means you don't respect yourself. If you talk poorly about someone behind their back, you're really only hurting yourself. Troubles don't lie with other people, they lie within ourselves. The sooner we take responsibility for our actions, our thoughts and words uttered, the safer the world would be.

Love thy self and others will follow.

I am here to make art. I am here to learn about myself. I am here to be the best possible version of myself. I am here to lead by example.

It's as simple as that. We all can have this.

Sunday, 8 August 2010

We are God

I let life pour through me like waves on a beach, slapping the sand with each push, but with every slap, a different print. I never much did the "thinking" before doing, much less the "thinking" before speaking, and yes, at times, probably more than not, did I suffer from opening my heart the way I did. But did it ever scare me off from doing it all over again? Nope.

I'm very good in protecting the ones I love but am I good in protecting myself? Nope. But do I believe I need protection? Nope. You could say I carry that beating muscle on the end of my sleeve. Once I give, I give my all. There is no other way I could do things in life. I must give everything I do and love 136% attention, if I do it half way, I feel lopsided, unbalanced, and I have a knot in my stomach that makes me feel uncomfortable.

I don't go looking for things, things come to me and I either say yes or no to them. This is only possible if you live life with an open heart. The older I get, the more I learn about myself, the better and clearer choices become. Maybe that's the exciting part of ageing - knowing things before they happen, so when it comes to decision time, your choice is solid and for the right reasons.

Why am I writing this? I think it's important to understand that life is not about "thinking" it's about living. And to live with your heart open is not cowardly but courageous, because this is the only way to truly live it. Only through an open heart will you feel the true passion of life. Don't think about all the things you want to do, go do them. There is no such thing as fear with an open heart, because you accept all and everything for the way it is, and therefore you can truly enjoy every moment of it.

True, I am saying this, because for a short time in my life I felt suffocated. I felt caged to the point where I had to tip-toe around myself, not quite being me in fear of certain things, which inevitably changed my outlook on life. I became more fearsome, I doubted people and everything around me, and I ended up analyzing more than I believed to be healthy. Pure and simple, I almost became one of those "thinkers" and not "doers". And that slowly killed my natural spirit of being a free bird.

I am still trying to heal from it, I am still reminding myself that life is to be lived and that the answers, the true ones, will come to me if I feel any sort of doubt. The worst part is the judgment. I haven't felt that in years, but through this little interlude of losing my true spirit, I suddenly felt that judgment was everywhere and I felt poisoned. Again, for me to get over this now, I have to remind myself the love I feel for myself and that life is breathing and enjoying that breath, not suffocating and trying to fit in with someone's way of thinking.

One must break away from those chains, the ones that strap you down. In the end it's only you who's holding yourself back, stopping you from truly loving yourself or anyone. Unless you want to be a philosopher, you're wasting your time trying to decipher life, just live it.

If this is it, this is the only life you get, then by God, live it, be open, allow love and life and joy and all good things come into your heart and speak true. We are our own Gods. When we pray at night, it's you praying to yourself and only you who makes good things happen. I think if we began to believe that we are our own masters, our own true Gods, then we would think about things a little differently, in fact we would probably treat our life like a God would treat their lives - fruitful, passionate, never giving up, heart full and open and accepting all walks of life.

Remember there is no such thing as right or wrong, there is only the now.

I don't believe in tomorrow, I believe in now, because tomorrow is just too far away from living the right now.

Remember also, acceptance is also love, to accept someone fully for who they are, not have any interest in changing them, is true love, it's peace and quiet and you can then fully appreciate one another without judgment or fear or feeling trapped, because open love sets you free and that's true love. And this goes with anything in life, you accept, embrace, this means you love and that you will fully live.

To forgive is to love. To forgive is acceptance. To forgive is to be free.

Thursday, 5 August 2010


carries me far,
and I believe to know
what the truth is.
A partner in crime
is all I ask,
but away he sailed
with promises
I now hoist
my mind
onto a stratosphere
of endless choice,
the right,
the wrong,
the dead,
the alive.
I can't decide,
if my hearts on fire
or my guts burning up
from all the poison I seem to swallow.
And as much as I push it all away,
you come haunting back
to eat me,
alive and kicking.
I grind it loose,
until I am faced
with the endless truth,
the denial a blizzard,
and once again
the mirror,
showing me
who I really am.

You Made Your Choice

I'm angry with you today.
I'm angry with you today.
I'm angry with you today.
My choice?
It was your choice.
Your choice.
I tried.
I wanted to make it work.
You believed it
best to leave it be,
I followed your words.
I did what you said.
And the pain was so great.
The pain ate me alive.
The pain still won't go away.
I'm angry with you today.
You think I should wait?
I deserve better
I had no choice.
You made the choice for me,
for us,
for you.
And I am now
and what I
is for me to keep.
You made your choice,
the day you walked out.
Now to save your pride
me for choosing.
I chose
because I had no choice.
You had your chance,
and I gave you many,
and even if
my love for you
clings to
you made your choice.

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

I Hear the Storm

There was a Storm coming.

And she blew


There was a Storm coming,
she kissed his pain away.

The Storm came,
washed all love ashore.

The Storm disappeared
and now she's
begging for more.


The paste begins to
at the corners
of my lips,
till nothing's
but the white froth
coating my face.
I stare at my reflection,
my eyes look wide,
my mouth looks ill,
the bristles of the toothbrush
massaging my teeth.
I sip the tap,
cool water
gurgles in my throat,
I spit,
and gurgle
and spit some more.
Suddenly its little neighbor,
the pink version of mine,
stares at me unused,
and the memories swarm back in.
A tear rolls down my cheek,
as I place my toothbrush alongside his,
once, when it was all so easy.
I take his toothbrush,
bristles barely touched,
and I
save his toothbrush,
because maybe one day