Sunday, 22 August 2010

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

It's been a tough few days. Everything I had tried to keep away from me, is now in full blast choking me. I can't get away from it anymore, I can't avoid it, the denial is subsiding, I have to face the truth. I had a dream last night. I dreamed I was in water, with some friends, we were sitting on surf boards, our feet in the water, this blue turquoise water, rich and thick and clear. I wasn't frightened because the water was clear. The world was suddenly made of water, mountainous waves caressed the ocean bed like it were a landscape of middle Africa. Ships of all sizes bobbed up and down, mysterious and dark in the distance, freedom was at our finger tips. Suddenly gray dolphins emerged, swam next to us and I reached out my hand to touch one of them. She felt soft, warm and rubbery. I woke up.

The dream was a beautiful escape from the way I've been feeling lately. Somehow it gave me hope. That everything might just about be alright.

You know diary, sometimes the pain's just so great, I can't bear it. Sometimes I think of bad things, because the pain makes me try not to care for myself. The other 'me' screams and screams and says I can do great, I can do better, but I think having this force of nature strap me the way it does, I can also do the opposite, destroy myself.

You know that I love you. I have no choice. It will never go away. You are my best friend.

I've decided to hold onto the good things. I let go of my anger. My memories are only of fond things. I forgive you. I forgive myself.

Now it's step by step letting go of this pain that drags me down to the ground. My world will always see the positive. I have never given up. I know what true love is. And even if I was blind, I was lucky to have felt it at all. Our connection is not from this world, and this is why we are special. And this is why I have always been certain. The hardest is not talking. The hardest is missing.

Good night dear diary. May you one day make sense of my words. Understand my choices. I am already a good person. I am already unique. I already make choices with eyes open and closed. I just need to fix a few things. And that's ok. At this point I am desperate to be happy.

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