Sacrifice

As an artist, I go through a roller coaster ride of emotions. I'm either really high or really low. Sometimes I find it hard to find middle ground, this is even after all the reasoning I do, you know, telling yourself that you're exaggerating the negatives, that life really is good and so on. Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to suffer a bit, feel the unnecessary pain, give it 48 hours, then move on.

That's how I do it anyway.

Things have been going real well for me lately. With all the chanting I do to my gods and working hard, playing hard and thinking of all the things I want to achieve in my life, things are turning around, quite quickly as well.

My band seems to be getting the recognition it deserves and we're getting some real decent gigs in Germany. We're heading down to Berlin for one month in January to record our Album and I thought, hey, why not book some gigs whilst we're there. And so we did. On top of that, this guy whose been having an eye on us, also offered us some pretty decent gigs, one's even in Munich.

This is what I dream of, that after a while the chasing people that I do comes to an end and in return they start coming after me. I've also been sprucing up my CV this week, sent it off for a couple of intern positions, and barely a day later, I get my first telephone interview.

So what does all this good stuff mean? Is it really my fancy CV, the great band I'm in, the positive attitude that good things suddenly appear? Maybe it's really all about having the right mind set. I know we can't always be positive and think things are dandy and we shouldn't feel we have to be perfect all the time... that maybe it's good to feel like shit from time to time, just to remind yourself that things will only get better from there on out.

I come from a privileged family and with that privilege, besides the perks of support, comes a lot of responsibility and tons of pressure. I never quite felt like my parents were there for me, they were always off doing things for themselves, leaving us kids to figure life out on our own. I ain't feeling sorry for myself, but I gotta say, for them leaving me to figure things out in life, also gave me the benefits to try out everything and anything I've ever wanted. However, although I've had the enjoyment to fulfill my artistic dreams, I can't help thinking that some people in my family might wonder when I will decide to "grow up" that maybe my dreams as an artist are frivolous and are headed towards doom.

What does 'doing well' mean to you?

Success is relative in my opinion and I'm sure most people would say, having lots of money is a sign of success or fame or friends or the perfect marriage… But for me (and this is something that I have to tell myself everyday or else I drown in the pressures put upon me) success is feeling happiness everyday. Success is my spiritual development, the escape I can feel during a live show when everything goes well. Success is finding love and putting my heart and soul into those people and those projects that I truly believe in. Money and fame are the outer shells, the result of a chain reaction that usually begins from within. Of course I want these things, but if I had those things without the internal happiness, fame and fortune would be meaningless.

A good girlfriend of mine said, those musicians who didn't care about having a successful job and used music as an escape, were the ones who lasted. Do you think Kurt Cobain ever had a fall back plan? Those musicians who believed so much in what they did, others around them believed it too, because the music was pure and it reached out and moved people. Art needs to be pure. Art also needs to be daring and provoke reactions. Most artists were ousted because they changed something traditional, but were then thanked for it later. Those artists who achieved such reactions, sacrificed themselves.

My point is this, if you really want to make a difference, it needs to begin first and foremost in yourself before people begin to notice your work. This means freeing yourself from traditions you were brought up with. You have to be ready for the implications your art could have on your life and the remarks others will give you, positive or negative. Being an artist is not comfortable, it's not glamorous. Being an artist is finding the truth, the purity within the truth that can change people's lives, that can also be daring and frightening to most people. When Klimt changed his painting method, his Austrian community ousted him, until of course people began to catch on.

A true artist sacrifices. The meaning of this is in the sentence alone.