Sunday, 25 April 2010

It's the way He said it

It's sunday morning. My alarm's about to go off. My eyes feel sore. My face is streaky with make-up.

I'm officially starting a blog about relationships, work and the overall highs and lows in life. Not very groundbreaking. It's been done before. But this is for me and anyone else who feels the need to relate.

So why the drama early Sunday morning? My boyfriend, or soon to be ex, is sleeping upstairs, and I had to get away. Break-ups are not only hard, but there's this inevitable thought of, how will life go on after this? The confusing part is, I still love him. Properly. Like, I don't care if we mis-match a lot of the time, I love him, and we will make it work. How confusing to be told that love conquers all, when it clearly doesn't, not in this case that is. But then maybe I could conclude that he doesn't love me the way I love him and if he loved me harder, we wouldn't be here. I might just have to trust him though, that he does love me, he's just been so unhappy, that he's run out of answers...

We didn't have the most romantic starts. In fact, after a four year relationship with another boyfriend, I cheated on him with my now soon to be ex. You could say it was doomed from the start. But I never saw it that way. I was head over heals. Been a looong time since I felt that way. I don't think I felt such a rush even with my ex of four years. I believed we belonged together. Forever. Maybe that's the doom. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Point is, do I still fight for him? Or do I let him go? I got to tell you, yes, if he left, it would be scary, but I know I'll be alright. Thing is though, I still love him, and I can't give up without a fight... Or maybe that's what it was... A fight to keep him all this time, when I should have let go months ago. Shoulda woulda coulda. Quite frankly, I am a bit exhausted, but maybe (I keep thinking) if he had his heart open, saw the good instead of the doubt, we would have had a better chance. He calls it being realistic, in life, I call it ride the wave as much as you can.

It hurts to hear that the person you're giving your all to, isn't happy, hasn't been, has been trying hard, doesn't see things eye to eye anymore. I get it. By the end of the day, I get it. Maybe love really isn't enough. But then seriously, what is? There is no perfect human out there. The perfection is within ourselves, love yourself before you love others, so why can't we be happy with what we have...?

I ended a previous relationship because I didn't love anymore and amongst many other things (mostly we just grew apart). I get involved in a new relationship that is nothing but love and after a few rumps and disagreements, amongst the good times, it comes to an end...?

I'm ending this blog with; don't ever give up on your dreams, keep giving your all in every moment, try to understand others rather than revolt and if the pain is great, cry your fucking heart out until you're dry from all water.



No comments:

Post a Comment