My Eye in the Sky

My eye
a pearly white
inside your
soul
from a flutter
above.
Your eye
in the sy
vibrating
the surface of my skin.
You couldn't see
all those
little intricacies
when I held
you close
and the eye
in the sky made you
something
I didn't
deserve
to see.

(and time passes)

And now I see,
from above and
beyond
your eye
in my sky
and together
we are
our
eyes.

Inside.

Our.

Soul.

White Blood

Blood spills from the cut in my brow,
staining my hands,
staining my drink...

I don't think I ever properly set myself free as much as I did last night when we played our show. I let go of everything. All the control, all those thoughts that normally squeeze my brain, all those dangly body parts that remind me that I'm human... gone... I was what I truly am... I lost all my inhibitions that I ended up smashing my face into the head stock of the bass guitar (not intentional) as I was doing my seizure moves and uniting with the universe...

The blow caused quite a deep cut in my brow. I remember, when it happened, thinking, hm this could be quite bad... as the set came to an end and I crawled on the floor releasing my screams as I clasped onto the mic, I felt the warmth of blood run down my face, stain my hands... yup, this is definitely bad...

I am not human.

I am whatever I choose to be.

You can tell me what you think I am,

but I'll most likely believe differently.

So blood pours down my brow,

warming the bridge of my nose,

sweetening my fingertips,

that's what happens when you set yourself free,

you (can) get hurt.

But no matter the pain,

the scar,

the amount of blood shed,


being
          free,


if only for a moment,


is
     always worth


the suffering that comes after.

Waiting

I have waited
for a long time
when the trees
would fall
and the mud
would spill.
I have waited
until you moved
those mountains
from here
and I could
see the
horizon.
I have waited
from all those things
that touched
those little
parcels
and when they
unwrapped
and something small
poked through
I knew
all the waiting
was worth it

just

for

you.

Beautiful Madam floating down the Stream

It takes a lot for me to get really excited about something. Not because my seemingly cold exterior can sometimes be mistaken for a heartless black steeled warrior princess, but because there's just not enough good quality art in the underground scene worth talking about.

Until Saturday came and went that is.

On Saturday night I fell in love with a band that made me feel like I was a teenager again.

You remember those days right? Back when you were rebelling against society and eagerly trying to get home to spin your first garage punk record, hop onto your bed and flip through the CD booklet filled with a collage of lyrics and photos of true grunge rockers, as their sound poured from your cheap speakers, filling your heart with a mixture of sorrow and love and a comfort to know that you weren't alone feeling those things... ?

That's how I felt when I listened to and watched Madam.

And I'm happy to discover that the little teenage rebel heart of mine is still very much alive. Its just been hibernating, waiting for the real thing to come along and take it out of its shell.

That's what Madam are. Real. Everything about them comes from a true place that hasn't been muddied by their growing success. It's pure. It's the kind of art that is hard to come by. Because Madam don't try and distract you from their sound, they give it to you, like a gift, their hearts, literally dripping from their sleeves when you watch them play.

The magic begins with the words softly weaving out from Sukie Smith's lips, to the delicate but sometimes crunching grinds from guitarist John Robertson, to the vibrating cymbals stroked by drummer Jeff Townsin, to the guitar-sounding-bass-lines by Nick Bergin and to then finally be seduced by cellist Sarah Gill... This atmospheric sound sucks you in, and you're lost but found within an ocean of integrity.

Sitting down and pretty close to the massive speakers looming over me, I am sucked into a world of love, pain, death and re-birth. But nothing feels really morbid or really hopeful either; it is what it is, an answer somehow, an understanding and immediately I find myself connected and incredibly inspired.

Madam is a sound where you think you've heard it before but just can't quite put a finger on it. The closest I can get to is Fleetwood Mac and at times I find a hint of the album 'Rumours' bouncing on the high ends of Madam's songs. Or maybe it's the harmonies that float through the songs from time to time that remind me of Fleetwood Mac, creating that beautiful folk-like vision spiced with a psychedelic twist.

Sukie Smith's vocals are incredibly gentle, always a delicate touch within the driving force of the band's pushing atmosphere, but they're never lost, not necessarily because the sound is good tonight, I think it's more to do with the strength, power and courage, which encompasses every lyric Smith projects within her caring voice. Imagine Sukie Smith's vocals as a lilly pad delicately bobbing down the stream in the middle of spring, blossoms swirling from the trees, decorating the grass with pink petals... On its journey, the lilly bumps into the floating body of Ophelia painted by Millais... That's what Sukie Smith's voice reminds me of, a contrast between the beauty of life and death; a painting with such indescribable beauty but never too far away from pain.

The song structures of Madam carry that infamous quiet to loud syndrome, creating tension whilst enticing you. What I found surprising was the sudden endings to a lot of their songs. Once you're seduced into their world, a song would suddenly come to an end, tearing you out from its orbit. Although some of these endings did take me by surprise, I felt it kept the songs from being obvious and left you with wanting more (or maybe the ending's were natural, I just wanted them to go on forever).

And if there was a song I truly wished it to go on forever, it was their last one - a song that isn't on either of their albums that they've released... I'd go back to their gigs just to listen to that one song over and over again.

That's what happens when you're in love. You'll find there are no limits to what you will do for something or someone.

And now, being an official Madam junkie, you'll find me on my bed listening to their second album and revisit those long dreamy days as a youth...

Join me...

Bounce

You're round inside.

Just like me.

And when
it's dark inside,
a little shape begins
to form.

Like a
caterpillar,
before its blossom;
I curl up
into
a silky ball
within your
flesh,
swaying
to your gentle
song.

Your words
a handsome whisper
to my perky
drum,
to which
I wish
for you
to hang
from.

And with your
ball
      and  
             mine
                     too,

we bounce together...

... f  o  r  e  v  e  r.

Time is a Gift to Some

We are born and then we grow.

We'd grow regardless if our awareness of time existed or not. But time seems to be inevitable. So the question is - how do you use your time wisely? How does time benefit you? And when you take the time, what do you do with it?

Wise folk say, live in the moment. I honestly try doing that. I have to admit, if I didn't live in the moment as much as I did, I would be pretty darn stressed. But I'm also human and sometimes my mind can get the better of me and once the too-much-thinking-of-things begin, so does the speed of my heart rate increase and all of a sudden the doubt creeps in and the many questions drown me and not much long after that, it's the crumpling on the bed, rocking back and forth and asking why why why can't I just be like every other joe schmo and join the rest of the heard... ?

Now here's the thing. I was born. Fact. I moved away from home the minute I got out of high school, because I longed for something different. Fact. I was never going to take the easy route and I was always gonna make it challenging for myself. Fact. So I choose not to have a choice but to continue what I started. Because I can't quit. Because if I quit, I have nothing and I will always ask myself, if only I didn't quit, what would my life have been like...

So I go on with my mission. And this mission will beat me down, it will try and make it so fucking hard for me, because only those who never give up are worthy of the golden gates. Do you think awesome things are just handed down to you? No. For the real zaftig shit, you gotta work your cute ass off. You gotta learn to sacrifice your time for loved ones, including yourself.

But alas. All of this is only so good if there is a balance. Balance is harmony. And without this harmony, even sacrifice will be pointless and only cause heart ache.

Time and sacrifice... For some reason, those are two entities that seem to kind of love and hate each other simultaneously. Recently I've come to learn that great things also come with sacrifice. I'm a pretty hungry, greedy little child and I keep thinking I can have it all, at once, right then when I ask for it... But I've come to realize that that's not always possible, that sometimes the good stuff happens a little bit later down the time line and that's why living in the moment, with a bit of sacrifice, can bring these gems to fruition.

I hear people say  this a lot - I will be happy when I have achieved X Y and Z. The thing is, if you think of happiness in future terms, then these 'happy assumptions' will forever stay in the future. Think of it as a carrot on the end of a stick that you dangle in front of a donkey in order to keep him moving. Happiness is the carrot and you're the donkey...  Happiness will forever just be the carrot you see but is just out of reach for you to eat.

True happiness is living in the moment and being happy right here and now. The more you get used to doing that, the more happiness your future will literally have.

For some people time is a gift - When they know they have everything to lose, they crack on and make the best out of the time that they've got. Maybe think of it this way - if you were to die tomorrow what would you do today to make this day the fucking best day ever?

Having chosen to be a creator of various things and sometimes even a philosopher on mild occasions, I find time invaluable. I also try to see time and my various realities as games to be played, because every human has their own world they live in and with every world, they have the power to manipulate it however they want.

Nothing's for certain, safety and the reality you were brought up to believe is an illusion created by others.

Why not create your own illusion and live it by your rules.

No one else has the power over you but yourself.

I am Master.

I am God.

I am my world.

Repeat those lines to yourself every day and true empowerment will come your way.

VENTENNER comes up for Air from the Underground Music Scene! (Interview)

This is another piece I wrote on Ventenner - The publication I sent it to is still developing their website. So I thought to publish this for now until their website's up and running... Enjoy!

It's Friday night in good ol' London town and I'm heading down to catch the much anticipated Ventenner show, but on arrival I'm bombarded with stressed musicians rushing to get their gear out of the venue. Pushing myself through a sea of rockers, I find Ventenner aka Charlie Dawe, leaning against the bar. His expression looks dark with disappointment but once our eyes meet, the gloom melts away. I ask him what happened and he explains that there was a leak in the venue, water was everywhere and the show was cancelled… Well so much for reviewing the live show of one of my favorite DIY artists in 2011. To try and lighten the mood I offer to buy him a drink. His favorite? Whiskey coke. We manage to find a booth and together with his latest addition to the band, his guitarist Rob Wacey, we get chatting. I ask him to remind me of how many records he's released since Ventenner started. Taking a sip from his drink, Charlie explains that he's released a few demos in 2007 just to get some "feelers" out and observe the reaction of listeners; creating what he like to call an "audio diary". He releases his first album 'Dead Reflections' in 2009. His second album, 'Oblivion Revised' was born out of various re-mixes of his songs from other artists who showed interest in his music, something he never expected and is obviously flattered. 

So how's the DIY working out for you?  Rob gives Charlie a quick glance as he seems equally curious as to why Charlie never tried getting signed by a major or Indie label. Charlie clears his throat, " Well, having total creative control is obviously important. Not all labels threaten that, but a lot do. Sure you get the promotion and the management and the big tour with a big label, but handing in an album and having it given back to you with a post-it saying "change it" must be soul destroying. Indie labels, well, they're not all bad, but a lot of them believe their own hype. I hate pretentious arty indie labels."

But did you even try to get signed? "No major labels have ever approached me but I hope they never do. Because if a major label thinks they can sell what I am making as the next big thing, then in my mind I've failed. I'm never gonna sell out Wembley. Not because my ambition or talent is weak, but if I've achieved that level of mainstream popularity I'll have probably stopped being true to myself."

There's something to be said when artists sole integrity is to create art the way they want to without plaguing their minds with thoughts of 'making it' or not, it's clear that for Charlie 'making it' isn't the number on his bank statement, it's the journey of the artist and how he conquers this journey. I ask mister Dawe how it was going with Rob, his new guitarist? Rob being rather silent on the matter gives Charlie a sly smile. Swinging his arms around Rob's neck and giving him a squeeze, Charlie says that it was going great, that Rob gets it spot on, not like other musicians he's worked with, "When you're a solo artist control freak like me, you don't want to be onstage giving it all you've got and maybe noticing that your drummer played seven beats instead of eight in that bar. That's why I've ended up doing a few solo shows."

How are you finding yourself fitting in with London's music scene? In the past you mentioned it to be rather 'close-minded'. Do you still feel this way? "Haha, yes, I've been very vocal on this in the past. It's not just London, it's England's music scene that has turned quite redundant now. Over the last few years it's become increasingly fashionable to be in a band and subsequently there's a lot of people out there polluting and diluting the music scene with utter crap. I also feel that the rock genre has lost all danger to it. There was a time in the 90's when MTV was actually cool to watch and you knew the bands epitomized the idea of rock n roll because they knew no other way to live. As artists we do what we do because we need to express ourselves, it's our air to breath. Being part of a music project isn't an act or a gimmick or a way to meet girls. That's why I love playing with bands who may not be in the same genre as me, but have the same sound. I guess that's our definition of being alternative. We're something different."

I ask Charlie how he would best describe his sound since he has been lumped in with other industrial goth bands out there. He says if people would listen closely and know music as well as they say they do, they should hear Blues and Grunge in these songs. And what can we expect from Ventenner in the near future?  

"I've just finished a remix for a guy in the States called Knoxband. We've been fans of each other for a while, I especially liked his record 'Equinox'. He's releasing a remixed version of it and I did one of the tracks for it. For Ventenner I'm working on a new album, which is going to be very different from anything I've done so far. Another project that I'm working on is called Pixie Ribs with a remarkable singer, Lux, who's pure rock n roll through and through."

Charlie's third drink is coming to an end and I can see Rob is itching to get to another bar, as the scene in this venue has suddenly been swamped with 'suits' so I make my last question brief; What are your thoughts on the future of the music industry? Charlie takes the last swig from his drink and explains, "What I don't like is people hating major labels for the sake of hating, it's a waste of time. As I see it, if you wanna get rich and famous quick, get signed. But if you're serious about being an artist and working your way up, go independent. Who knows, if more artists keep turning down the labels, maybe one day the labels will be interested in investing in the actual artistry of a band or solo artist. I also think this hype to be in a band and make music, no matter how crap you are, will die out eventually and what will be left behind are those bands who survived because they did it right, because they actually have something to give."
I can only hope he's right!