Hearts Full of Graveyards

I'll die inside

    the heart you

            sold

    and take it

        to the

            graveyard.

Ashes

Deep down 

inside 

a little hole, 

where feelings and such 

are kept a secret, 

I think of you and 

how you make me 

feel 

warm in 

those places 

I never thought possible.

Somehow in it all, 

I only care 

to be 

where you are

every day, 

till we are nothing but 

ashes for children 

to 

play with.

Once a Friend

I wish I could tell you a secret
something
so deep from my heart,
but I felt betrayed by
you.
We go back a long way,
when our organs
were blooming
and our thoughts
innocently
ripe.
Now at times
when I want
to
tell
you something
I have to bite my tongue
because,
I wonder,
are you
still that
person
I believed you
once
to
be?
Maybe one day
I will pick
up the phone
and wait
for your voice
to scratch my
ear
and maybe,
just maybe,
we can
really be
the best
friends
we once
started out
to be.

Notice Me

Sometimes when
I look into your eyes
I can't help myself but
get lost in dreams I
want
real,
together with
you.

So much do I
disapear,
I wear your skin like
a coat as
my insides turn
to milky mush.

Rape me from
your tender thoughts
and choke me with your
hot breath.

Soak me with
your mouth of nectar
and drown me in
your worst wishes.

Inside your room
of messy dreams,
I'll wander forever
until one
day
you
finally
notice
me.

Keep it Simple

Ever get bogged down with too many thoughts? Ever get confused with too many options? Ever wonder why you seem to always repeat your "mistakes"? Well we've all been there, we complicate things to the point where we don't know where our "problems" begin and where they end...

I've simplified my life down to two things - I keep it simple by always reminding myself of my goal and I do this by keeping my eyes open to life around me.

You see, you can go on analyzing why things in life are the way they are till the cows come home.

You can remember the past, imagine the future and forget that you're in the present.

You can stick as many metaphors to your problems as you want and further try to explain them away and make excuses not to go ahead with what you really want to do. But I strongly believe, if you have that much time on your hands to over analyze everything to the minutest detail, then you're kinda wasting your day away.

How about try and do a little less thinking and even less talking and start Doing? If you feel the fear approaching as you muster up the courage to go get what you want, then it's because you're challenging yourself. You gotta ask yourself, are you gonna let the fear control you? Are you gonna let it be your master? Instead of the Master of it? Because if you have the fear, use its adrenaline instead, use it as a powerful tool to go out there and seize whatever it is that needs seizing.

I'm the best example of using my brain A LOT. Too much at times. But I've learned to balance it out. Luckily I was born a doer, but still, at times, this brain of mine, it just won't shut up, it's constantly hungry and wants to understand everything. And I had to learn to tell my brain to take a chill pill and that I would listen to it when the time was appropriate.

You're in the driver seat. No one else. You might have a passenger once in a while, but that's all they are, passengers, you're the one driving, so stop flapping and step on the gas and feel the speed of the wheels beneath you, let go of all those thoughts of expectancies, rules, what you can and cannot do.

You were born free, don't let anyone else tell you different. Don't let anyone tell you there's only one way to live life, don't let anyone convince you that there is only way to achieve happiness. Because unless you're the one telling yourself what is good for you, no one will know better.

Everyone thinks they have the answer to life and how to live it. But they only have the answer for themselves and that's as far as any truth will ever go. Learn what you need, what you want and be respective of others.

I don't like people preaching, because the only preacher I listen to is myself and I don't need to tell anyone else how to live their lives because by the end of the day, I don't know. I know nothing. I'm just doing my best to be human and an artist.

And while you're out there living your dreams,

never forget to

give

love

everyday

and that includes

yourself.

You have one too!

It's been a busy week since I've returned from Berlin. My bands first back-to-London-show blew up the audience and had people speechless; because how can two people create such loud noise and controlled chaos? Well we can, because we've graduated with a degree for best innovative sound and live performance since we've returned from Germany.

So yea life is good and busy because we've got some awesome projects in the pipeline, including another music video and a mind-blowing first Album. I love making art. I love being able to express myself and feel like a real human being with uncontainable emotions, boiled flesh and sweaty tears.

The other night I was in bed with my very beautiful man-lover-friend and before we fell asleep we exchanged a few thoughts and at some point in the conversation he took hold of my ass and told me that I had the best ass in the world... I told him I knew that already but thanked him kindly for the compliment. And I meant it. I do really and honestly think I have a pretty fucking awesome ass.

For years I've had a bit of an "issue" with my scrumptious tush, because I felt it was too big and people always seemed to focus on it. It's like being the girl with a cleavage that people can't stop staring at. Well that's kinda what its been like with my ass, only for some reason strangers thought they could give it a squeeze when I passed by them in a bar (or the street).  So my tush started to make me feel uncomfortable, soon I became ashamed for having a part of my body be on such sexual display that I did whatever I could to shrink its size. I stopped eating certain foods and I'd wear over-sized t-shirts and sweaters to hide my buttocks beneath it. And what started as a little discomfort soon ruled my life.

But I got over it and now I celebrate my femininity. Yea, sure, sometimes I get the ol' insecurity back from time to time, but on the whole, I celebrate my body. I think to reach this point in life where you truly embrace all of yourself, you really have to learn to love yourself for who you are and how you look. Although we get older, the wiser part actually only happens if your heart's open to learn from yourself and others around you. Eventually with this knowledge, you'll breed confidence and empowerment. And with such positive feelings, you'll automatically learn to love the physical parts on yourself as well. You can choose to focus on the "bad" things in life and on your body OR you can celebrate those things that make you look and feel great. The more you do that, the less these "bad" things even appear.

When I think about achieving a goal, I rarely think about the loooong steps I would have to take in order to achieve it. Instead I think about the end result and work my way backwards. So when I thought about how to get my band to Berlin, I thought about the goal, which was seeing Berlin the city in my head and my band walking the streets, playing busy shows, writing and recording our Album... And with those thoughts in my mind I worked my way backwards and figured out practically how we could achieve this goal.

Yes, I can sometimes be up my own arse

and I really don't mean to show off...

that's a lie, I'm always showing off,

but at least it's one fucking sexy arse indeed

and I know you have one too!

Motivate, Stimulate and Pray

It's not always easy staying motivated. In fact, the less I do, the less I even want to do. But not since I've returned from Berlin. Somehow the city's given me a new sense of motivation and stimulation pretty much, well, everywhere. That's right. I'm so stimulated with motivation, that I've been running every morning for 20 mins, before breakfast, since I've returned to London. I've also been cleaning out my room, turning it into the dream room I've always wanted it to be. Call it a spring cleaning in winter if you like. Sometimes the mind just needs to be rid of all those sticky cobwebs that I've been putting off.

Somehow Berlin has also helped me return to my confrontational roots. Meaning, I ain't so much afraid of speaking my mind. And it's fucking liberating. I genuinely feel powerful, rooted and ready to rock. I don't want to take shit anymore, not from the promoters, not from friends, not from boyfriends, not from family, not from public transport, not from politics, not from anything or anyone. Because this is my time. My life. My turn for me and only me.

Sounding too selfish for the Catholics? Well let me tell you something. There's only one God, one religion that I follow and that's me. That's right. I am God. My very own God. You can call it a higher self of me that I talk to and that guides me through my journey. Go find a mirror, look into it and start praying to and for yourself. Because there's no one better to pray to, love, motivate and stimulate than you. You're perfect the way you are. And the only rules you should follow are the ones your heart desires.

Stop feeling guilty. Stop preventing yourself from enjoying the indulgences life has to offer. Open that dry heart of yours and feed it with life, love and people. This is it. There's no one gonna save you. There's no one waiting for you to make it happen. It's all up to you. And that should be easy!

You only got you. So be good to you.