You Go Girlfriend!

As we get older, and hopefully wiser, we enter new worlds, create new worlds and overall make decisions with eyes wide open.

I have been doing a lot of thinking, as well as acting upon thoughts, but mostly, I've come face to face with who I can trust and who I can't.

Being a rather open and honest human being, a large part of my life has been lived most of the times in a rather naive state. In other words, more harshly, I didn't realize I was getting fucked over until I was "fucked over".

Thing is, it's my fault for putting trust into people so quickly. At least I can look on it in a positive light; I learned a helluva lot out of my experiences and I look back on my "mistakes" with fond memories. After all I wouldn't be here if I hadn't done what I did. But my morals, principles and my tastes have strengthened throughout the years of battle and euphoria and thus I realize I deserve the best of everything. Because I am awesome and I only want to share my awesomeness with other awesome people who really do appreciate who I am.

This includes old friends and new ones and newer ones to come. We've all been there when people grow apart. All of a sudden you're not in sync with this person anymore, you're just missing the point of each others' sentences and really, you don't have that much in common anymore. That's totally cool. This happens, nothing to be worried about. Thing is, I tend to hold onto the past, A LOT! The past seems to be my present most of the time and I'm telling you, although I'm physically moving forward, I'm not quite there all the time mentally. What to do? Clean the cobwebs out! Let go. Look back with a fond heart, but don't long for it, it's gone.

Now, old friends who have grown apart can become new friends, if they meet you on the other side, on equal terms. Otherwise it's best to just... let... go...of...them...

This was one of the subjects I had with a girlfriend of mine over lunch. Where is the "sisterhood" everyone's preaching about she asked me? I nodded and replied I didn't know. As a woman, to get to the "top" where the majority of the male sex seems to be hanging out, women become frustrated and begin competition amongst themselves. If you imagine a two layered cake, Men on the top bun and Women on the bottom smooshed in with the icing, you'd think we'd help one another get to the top faster instead of squabbling for the attention. And what happens? One woman gets through, the others, disappointed and bitter, turn to witches.

No good girlfriend! There are really only a handful of people (male and female) who I would really help out if it came down to it. Because I trust them. And it's true, when trust is broken, very rarely can it be fixed. And this is why I've made the decision to let go of some people.

And with every new spring, you gotta clean out your house from the stuffy winters. And that's what I'm doing. We all deserve the best, and sometimes we have to remind ourselves what the best for ourselves really is. And yea, I've been fooled so many times by those who claim to be my friend, only to find out they had other intentions. It's what I get for carrying my heart on my sleeve. The difference now though is, I'm more choosy on who to give a bit of my heart to.

Throw out the old and bring in the new!

I'm Alive!

By Jove, how that's true.

I'm Alive!

Man, I had a fucking epiphany. Something just happened in the last 24 hours. And you know what it is? I am fucking back! Me! The good ol' Nina that everyone loves and adores, especially me. Sounding a bit full of myself? Well probably yes, but I don't care. That's the beauty of it. I just don't fucking care because I'm in love with myself again. It's that kind of love that makes you realize you deserve the very best, that the world's at your feet and that no one will stop you because you won't allow them too. It's basically this love I have re-found within myself that knows it will get the very best. I don't depend on anyone anymore, I am completely independent and free from everyone, which is empowering and I will achieve everything my heart desires.

That's it. And it's freedom. Real true freedom to finally be released from those chains, you know, those social conditioning chains, the ones that send subliminal messages telling you that you have to live life a certain way in order to be accepted and appreciated. By Jove, I don't have that, not anymore. I'm once again back to being me, I really feel it, it's like having wings and flying whenever the wind hits you.

Ladies and gents, this is the way to live your life, without judgment and ignoring anyone else's judgment because they have a certain thought process and believe that it's their way or the highway. Well guess what, I feel the same way, it's my way or the highway folks. The only difference is, I ain't gonna preach this to anyone, people can live however they want to live, but if they read this and find inspiration from it, then that's beautiful. I'm only sharing these things because I am happy to put myself out there, naked truth for all you beautiful people to read. Take it or leave it I say.

We all have powers, it's just a matter of learning how to harness the powers given to us. You can do anything you want. There is no limit. The limit is yourself if you allow for limits to exist. I know there is no limit. The road is an endless silk ribbon with adventures along the way.

No one deserves anyone. We only deserve ourselves. But we can respect each other, help each other, treat each other the way we would treat ourselves; with love and care.

You treat someone poorly, then that means you're really treating yourself poorly. You don't love someone, then you don't really love yourself. We are all united somehow, carved from the same flesh. If we all loved ourselves as purely as we're designed too, then love would be endless amongst each other. If you don't respect another human being, this really means you don't respect yourself. If you talk poorly about someone behind their back, you're really only hurting yourself. Troubles don't lie with other people, they lie within ourselves. The sooner we take responsibility for our actions, our thoughts and words uttered, the safer the world would be.

Love thy self and others will follow.

I am here to make art. I am here to learn about myself. I am here to be the best possible version of myself. I am here to lead by example.

It's as simple as that. We all can have this.

We are God

I let life pour through me like waves on a beach, slapping the sand with each push, but with every slap, a different print. I never much did the "thinking" before doing, much less the "thinking" before speaking, and yes, at times, probably more than not, did I suffer from opening my heart the way I did. But did it ever scare me off from doing it all over again? Nope.

I'm very good in protecting the ones I love but am I good in protecting myself? Nope. But do I believe I need protection? Nope. You could say I carry that beating muscle on the end of my sleeve. Once I give, I give my all. There is no other way I could do things in life. I must give everything I do and love 136% attention, if I do it half way, I feel lopsided, unbalanced, and I have a knot in my stomach that makes me feel uncomfortable.

I don't go looking for things, things come to me and I either say yes or no to them. This is only possible if you live life with an open heart. The older I get, the more I learn about myself, the better and clearer choices become. Maybe that's the exciting part of ageing - knowing things before they happen, so when it comes to decision time, your choice is solid and for the right reasons.

Why am I writing this? I think it's important to understand that life is not about "thinking" it's about living. And to live with your heart open is not cowardly but courageous, because this is the only way to truly live it. Only through an open heart will you feel the true passion of life. Don't think about all the things you want to do, go do them. There is no such thing as fear with an open heart, because you accept all and everything for the way it is, and therefore you can truly enjoy every moment of it.

True, I am saying this, because for a short time in my life I felt suffocated. I felt caged to the point where I had to tip-toe around myself, not quite being me in fear of certain things, which inevitably changed my outlook on life. I became more fearsome, I doubted people and everything around me, and I ended up analyzing more than I believed to be healthy. Pure and simple, I almost became one of those "thinkers" and not "doers". And that slowly killed my natural spirit of being a free bird.

I am still trying to heal from it, I am still reminding myself that life is to be lived and that the answers, the true ones, will come to me if I feel any sort of doubt. The worst part is the judgment. I haven't felt that in years, but through this little interlude of losing my true spirit, I suddenly felt that judgment was everywhere and I felt poisoned. Again, for me to get over this now, I have to remind myself the love I feel for myself and that life is breathing and enjoying that breath, not suffocating and trying to fit in with someone's way of thinking.

One must break away from those chains, the ones that strap you down. In the end it's only you who's holding yourself back, stopping you from truly loving yourself or anyone. Unless you want to be a philosopher, you're wasting your time trying to decipher life, just live it.

If this is it, this is the only life you get, then by God, live it, be open, allow love and life and joy and all good things come into your heart and speak true. We are our own Gods. When we pray at night, it's you praying to yourself and only you who makes good things happen. I think if we began to believe that we are our own masters, our own true Gods, then we would think about things a little differently, in fact we would probably treat our life like a God would treat their lives - fruitful, passionate, never giving up, heart full and open and accepting all walks of life.

Remember there is no such thing as right or wrong, there is only the now.

I don't believe in tomorrow, I believe in now, because tomorrow is just too far away from living the right now.

Remember also, acceptance is also love, to accept someone fully for who they are, not have any interest in changing them, is true love, it's peace and quiet and you can then fully appreciate one another without judgment or fear or feeling trapped, because open love sets you free and that's true love. And this goes with anything in life, you accept, embrace, this means you love and that you will fully live.

To forgive is to love. To forgive is acceptance. To forgive is to be free.

Grounded

Something,
carries me far,
and I believe to know
what the truth is.
A partner in crime
is all I ask,
but away he sailed
with promises
attached.
I now hoist
my mind
onto a stratosphere
of endless choice,
the right,
the wrong,
the dead,
the alive.
I can't decide,
if my hearts on fire
or my guts burning up
from all the poison I seem to swallow.
And as much as I push it all away,
you come haunting back
to eat me,
alive and kicking.
I grind it loose,
until I am faced
with the endless truth,
the denial a blizzard,
and once again
the mirror,
showing me
who I really am.

You Made Your Choice

I'm angry with you today.
I'm angry with you today.
I'm angry with you today.
My choice?
Mine?
It was your choice.
Your choice.
I tried.
Everything.
I wanted to make it work.
You believed it
best to leave it be,
I followed your words.
I did what you said.
And the pain was so great.
The pain ate me alive.
The pain still won't go away.
Because
you
made
the
choice
not
to
be
with
me.
I'm angry with you today.
You think I should wait?
I deserve better
than
that.
I had no choice.
You made the choice for me,
for us,
for you.
And I am now
left,
with
just
me,
and what I
do
with
me
is for me to keep.
You made your choice,
the day you walked out.
Now to save your pride
you
blame
me for choosing.
I chose
because I had no choice.
You had your chance,
and I gave you many,
and even if
my love for you
clings to
me
forever,
you made your choice.
Now
I
Live
Mine.

I Hear the Storm

There was a Storm coming.

And she blew

away.

There was a Storm coming,
she kissed his pain away.

The Storm came,
washed all love ashore.

The Storm disappeared
and now she's
begging for more.

Toothbrush

The paste begins to
lather,
at the corners
of my lips,
till nothing's
left
but the white froth
coating my face.
I stare at my reflection,
my eyes look wide,
my mouth looks ill,
the bristles of the toothbrush
massaging my teeth.
I sip the tap,
cool water
gurgles in my throat,
I spit,
and gurgle
and spit some more.
Suddenly its little neighbor,
the pink version of mine,
stares at me unused,
and the memories swarm back in.
A tear rolls down my cheek,
as I place my toothbrush alongside his,
once, when it was all so easy.
I take his toothbrush,
bristles barely touched,
and I
save his toothbrush,
because maybe one day
he
will
need
to
use
it
again.